5 Winners,1 Loser, and a Murdered Mayor Bloomberg
5 Winners,1 Loser, and a Murdered Mayor Bloomberg
I never knew Dem Debates could be interesting AT ALL.
Democrats vying for the Democratic Nomination made a stop in Sin City last evening to hold a pre-caucus debate. This debate was set to take place ahead of the official caucus date on Saturday. Like many people, I am getting a bit bored and annoyed with the constant rehashing of M4A at every single debate, really irritated by Sanders constant yelling, I have been bored by Liz, not awed by Amy, impatient with Pete, beleaguered by Biden, but worst of all? I’ve been bullshitted by Bloomberg. And that will not stand. Apparently, I was not the only one unhappy with the fake unity and the Boring Liz, because Democrats showed up with their killing boots on, and not even Lester Holt could stay their hands.
It was fantastic!
For some unknown reason, I had happily assumed that Bloomberg would be at least somewhat competent on the debate stage. Sure, I’d assumed he may be arrogance personified and may not land killing blows, but I was sure he would chip away at his opponents, leaving them injured, while he himself would end up walking away unscathed. Instead of delivering us a competent and cool montage of wealthy one liners we could use to sneer at the poors, we got a series of bad answers, bad moments, bald arrogance, and he got pretty much SLAYED. Qué lástima!
Last night’s debate was one of the most watched debates ever, the only other debate I know of that drew in so many people was the GOP Clown Car debate of 2015; everyone was trying to take each other out, yet they all left the “Front-runner” Donald Trump out of the major attack zones, didn’t vet him, and now we are stuck wondering just exactly WTF happened.
This debate was similar, yet far different than that long ago circus of spite that helped the GOP launch their very own Criminal President into the highest office in the land.
So, being the dedicated individual I am, and VERY PROFESSIONAL, I watched the Dem Debate thrice since Wednesday evening, I will tell you who won, who lost, who died, and who has just got too much audacity for me to be one bit kind to them.
Here are some debate highlights.
Winner #1: Liz Warren and the Tiny Power-fists of Doom
Liz Warren didn’t waste any time taking out her tiny power-fists, aiming, and punching Mike Bloomberg right in the dick. Which is totally not the worst plan. Bloomberg has spent upwards of 450 MILLION dollars this quarter, and Warren is just a bit pissed off that he’s, as she sees it, trying to buy the entire fucking election. The last few debates have seen Meemaw Struggle-fist on defense, explaining her Wealth Tax in an annoying professorial manner (which really did nothing to help dig herself up out of the hole she got into with her M4A debacle) and losing by not winning. This time she brought the HEAT. And it was GOOD.
Liz Warren is our biggest surprise of the debate, because unlike the last few rounds, Liz fucking WON. True, Liz is not my favorite, but quite frankly, I would still ride the Blue Wave for her, especially if the results broke whatever fever she had when she decided to make a Best Friends pact with Bernie Sanders. This week she was all the way done with the retelling of her family stories about Meemaws and Pawpaws, mommas and the daddies, and the ragged edge of the “Middle Class.”
Liz didn’t come here to chit chat and make you feel all warm and fuzzy.
Liz came to the debate to commit a MURDER.
I’d like to talk about who we’re running against — a billionaire who calls women ‘fat broads’ and ‘horse-faced lesbians.’ And no, I’m not talking about Donald Trump, I’m talking about Mayor Bloomberg. Democrats are not going to win if we have a nominee who has a history of hiding his tax returns, of harassing women, and of supporting racist policies like redlining and stop-and-frisk … Democrats take a huge risk if we just substitute one arrogant billionaire for another. [Elizabeth Warren]
Okay, someone has been doing their homework. A few months ago, Liz struggled just as bad as Bernie when articulating the ways in which racism manifests itself. Good on her for stepping out of her comfort zone and learning more about the lived experience of Black People, and others; some people *Bernie* still have no fucking idea wtf they’re even talking about when it comes to race and racism.
“He has gotten some number of women — dozens, who knows? — to sign non-disclosure agreements both for sexual harassment and for gender discrimination in the workplace. So Mr. Mayor, are you willing to release all those women from those non-disclosure agreements, so we can hear their side of the story?”
“Some number of Women” and “Dozens, who knows?” These barbs were like finely crafted Ninja Stars; Liz whipped them at him so fast, I’m kinda surprised he didn’t drop dead right then.
And, lololololol at the stupidity;
Bloomberg again tried to deflect, arguing that the agreements were made to protect the privacy of the women involved. “They decided when they made an agreement that they wanted to keep it quiet.
Dude, give me a fucking break with this bullshit, nobody believes you. Liz was not done with his ass, throughout the evening and into the night, with pundits at her side, she kept slicing him with her metaphorical machete, never once giving him any quarter. I like this Liz better than the one who is with Bernie. She managed to quietly slice HIM a few times too, and her instinct for political homicide seems to be improving. Now all Liz has to do is come to terms with the fact that she needs to find a way to do the same to Bernie Sanders if she ever wants to be President.
Winner #2: Amy Klobuchar & The Assertive Eyebrow of Disdain
As usual, Amy and Pete really can’t stand each other that much, so of course she looked ready to “Ground and Pound” him until he got smart enough to play dead, or at the very least, shut up. Amy struggled a bit more last night than she did at the previous debate, but she didn’t come away empty handed, because she managed to, at the very least, become an accomplice to the Murder of Mayor Bloomberg. Amy was feeling a bit comedic on 2/19/2020, so when it was her turn to kill, she did it with one liners. Like Liz, she set her sights on Bloomberg, took out her metaphorical machete, and slice and diced his ass up.
“I actually welcomed Mayor Bloomberg to the stage. I thought that he shouldn’t be hiding behind his TV ads.”
Lol! Oh BOY were you right about HIDING! His slick and polished ads make him seem like the most competent man ever; his debate performance showed he may just be mediocre, overconfident, and super arrogant too. Then she went to Pete, who seems to know just which buttons to push that will set her off. His dismissiveness of the important work she does in DC lit her ass on fire, so she let him have the back side of her hand.
“You have not been in the arena doing that work. You’ve memorized a bunch of talking points and a bunch of things.”
Amy has to watch her tendency to belittle people in the future, as does Pete; she tends to come off like a lady that’s enjoying breaking the bad news to Pinocchio that “he’s not a REAL little boy, so go cry about it!” Or maybe, she needs to be MEANER? I haven’t decided.
“I wish everyone was as perfect as you, Pete.”
Lol, what? Damn, Amy! Let Boy Wonder speak his Peggy Hill Spanish without being all…mad about it. Her “Elena Moment” and flub with the President of Mexico’s name is really renting space in her head. Girl, stop letting that shit eat you up, it ain’t that serious.
Winner #3: Joe Biden Mocking Mike and Snarkily Sniping at Sanders
Joe came in ready to do or die; he must do well in Nevada and South Carolina or it might be the end of the road for Ol’ Joe. Even though the ladies got the most speaking time, Joe made sure to make it count whenever he got a few second to jump in and say his piece. While Warren was committing the murder of Mike Bloomberg, Joe jumped in to stab him a few times, just to make sure he couldn’t get away.
“All the mayor has to do,” Biden said, is tell those people, “‘You are released from the nondisclosure agreement.'”
Joe really enjoyed this part; Bloomberg grew sullenly un-presidential under the barrage of demands for transparency, and Joe showed up just in time to make sure the knives were good and twisted.
Twist that knife, Joe!!
“You think the women, in fact, were ready to say, ‘I don’t want anybody to know about what you did to me.’ That’s not how it works. The way it works is they say, ‘Look, this is what you did to me,’ and the mayor comes along and his attorneys said, ‘I will give you this amount of money if you promise you will never say anything.’ That’s how it works.”
Joe Biden is now a known accomplice to the Murder of Mike Bloomberg, and for that, we name him a WINNER.
“Only companies we can’t go after are gun manufacturers, because of my buddy (Senator Sanders) here.”
Most people missed the fact that Joe kept making these fact based comments about the terrible record Bernie Sanders has when it comes to guns and protecting gun manufacturers. Bernie is the only one who has not, and will not, be vetted by the media, so maybe Joe should show up to the next debate and do to Bernie what Liz did to Mike. He’s the only one who can, because he is the only one who doesn’t give a shit what Bernie has to say.
Looks like Bernie poked Joe to get some attention, so he could launch into a lecture, but instead got a lecture from Joe. I don’t know what this video means, but it looks like Sanders wasn’t too happy with Joe and his Matter-of-fact attacks. Keep it up, Joe, and then do it more and harder. It’s you or him at this point, so make your blows count and never let up, people LISTEN to you. Fuck Bernie.
Winner #4: Bernie Sanders Ducking Blows and Attaching Targets to Mike
Bernie turned in a rather lackluster performance where he sought to stay on message by repeating his stump speech as his answers to questions Since we live in a bizzaro world where this old codger can do no wrong, this debate performance will not cause a major drop in his numbers.
None of the attacks last night seemed likely to stop his rise. The question is whether anything from the debate will drive some consolidation around the other candidates. Certainly, that was the goal of five of the six candidates on that stage.
He is only a winner because he didn’t lose.
Winner #5: Pete Buttigieg Grilling the Olds and Getting Away From Amy’s Fists
Pete came to the debate planning an assault on Bloomberg and Sanders, but unbeknownst to him, Liz Warren had shown up wearing her murder cardigan.
So, there Pete stood in his Assault suit, under-dressed for the occasion, but he was ready to make the most of his time by punching left and right, hitting Mike and Bern on the fact that they are opportunistic, and not even Democrats.
“We’ve got to wake up as a party,” Buttigieg said. “We could wake up two weeks from today, the day after Super Tuesday, and the only candidates left standing will be Bernie Sanders and Mike Bloomberg, the two most polarizing figures on this stage. And most Americans don’t see where they fit. They’ve got to choose between a socialist who thinks capitalism is the root of all evil, and a billionaire who thinks money should be the root of all power.
Daaaaaammmmnnn! While Bernie jumped on Pete over having Billionaires support his campaign, Pete reminded voters of what Bernie is, and the attacks from that Geriatric Marxist rolled right off him like water from a duck.
“Let’s put forward somebody who actually lives and works in a middle-class neighborhood in an industrial Midwestern city,” Buttigieg continued. “Let’s put forward somebody who’s actually a Democrat.”
Yes, please. Let’s elect a Democrat so I can actually vote for a President in November. Never Bernie.
Amy and Pete also showed us that among Democrats, even ones who cannot stand each other, we are all still allies who can take time out from our internecine war to laugh at the Murdered Mayor Bloomberg’s ridiculous answers about his taxes and where they are.
HAHAHAHAHAHA! Pete and Amy couldn’t help but to turn to each other and laugh mockingly at Bloomberg’s arrogance. I enjoyed that.
Loser: The Revolution and the Coronation of Bernie Sanders
Who lost the debate? If you read the media, you might think the former Mayor of New York City was the biggest loser of the evening, but you would be wrong, because he died. Instead, the real loser was the Revolution’s dreams of a Bernie coronation occurring immediately, if he made it to the convention with the most votes. For some strange reason, Berners did not read the rules very well, and missed the fact that to be nominated by the Democratic Party, one must win over 50% of all delegates. Due to the new rules that Berniecrats like Nomiki Konst helped draft for the Unity Commission, its a little more difficult to hit that goal without Super-delegates being free to vote as they please. Instead, if no-one receives a majority of delegate votes, there will be a Second Ballot, and at that time deals can be made to shift the race to one Dem, giving them enough delegates to become the nominee.
Chuck Todd asked a question that I believe will become a frequent topic of conversation among Democrats in the weeks ahead: Do you believe the party should nominate the candidate who arrives at the July convention with the most delegates, even if no one has the 1,991 delegates required for a first-ballot victory? All the contenders effectively said no, except for Sanders—who insisted that “the will of the people should prevail.”
But, IS it the will of The People to nominate someone who only amasses a 30% plurality while the remaining 70% of delegates are split among more moderate candidates? That would mean that two-thirds of voters did NOT want Sanders AT ALL, so why in the world would it make sense to nominate Sanders? The “Will of the People” isn’t shown by winning a 30% plurality and being unable to attract the majority needed to win outright.
With those answers, the candidates chasing Sanders pointedly left themselves room to resist his nomination at the convention if he arrives with a plurality, but not a majority, of the delegates. But by and large, they did surprisingly little to reduce the odds that Sanders will, in fact, arrive in Milwaukee with more delegates than anyone else.
Looks like nobody at all was willing to agree to hand the Democratic Party over to Sanders due to his amassing a mere plurality. HAHAHAHAHA!
Let’s be frank, Sanders has an issue being able to attract those outside his ideological lane, and many people who otherwise like him just fine are opposed to him as a candidate based on those very ideological markers that attract his adoring crowds. He’s too far left, too rigid, too angry, and not really a Democrat.
And because delegates are not legally bound to vote for their candidate—even on a first ballot—a contender who does not win a majority during the primaries could still cobble together sufficient support for a first-ballot victory by attracting delegates from competitors who drop out of the race along the way.
Many people don’t realize that Delegates, even though considered “Bound” are not actually legally required to vote for their candidate. So, if Amy, Pete, Liz, or Biden drop out of the race, Delegates may simply re-align, as voters do in Caucuses, and coalesce around one of the Democrats running and give THEM a majority, even on the FIRST ballot. This is why you need that 51% before you can call yourself the winner.
So, all of the Sanders supporters who are having apoplexies on Social Media about what the DNC better do if Sanders wins a plurality need to learn the goddamn DNC bylaws right fucking now. There are many ways for a Dem to win this thing even if Bernie LOOKS LIKE he has it in the bag before the Convention by waving around his lil ole 30% plurality. A plurality is not a majority, and you NEED a majority to win a goddamn muthafuckin thing. And guess what?
Bernie agreed to these rules, so go fuck yourself if you don’t like them.
Murdered: R.I.P. Michael Bloomberg
Michael Bloomberg, R.I.P., better be thankful that money can resurrect even the deadest billionaire from their cold and lonely grave. Only pumping millions of ad dollars into networks and the hands of citizen influencers can save them if they become a victim of a political homicide. Beat to death on the stage by Liz, Joe, Liz, Bernie, Liz, Pete, Liz, and Amy and Liz, el Bloombito was barely animated as he dragged his own lifeless corpse off the stage on debate night. Liz Warren had been menacing him for nearly a year; threatening political homicide, showing off her tiny power-fists, and buying sets of struggle cardigans in preparation for the occasion. But, no matter how she signaled his demise if he brought his rich ass anywhere near HER primary, he didn’t take her seriously, and paid the ultimate price.
Warren smelled blood. “The question is, are the women bound by being muzzled by you? You could release them from that immediately.”
She licked his blood from her lips. The splash-back from wailing on him with her machete was everywhere, but she didn’t care, it was just blood, and wasn’t that what she came here for? She smiled to herself and let Joe take a shot while she sharpened her blade.
Even former Vice President Joe Biden, who has faced criticism for unwanted touching, weighed in: “All the mayor has to do is say ‘You are released from the non-disclosure agreement.”
Oh, Joe. You little devil! You never told us you like to participate in killings, you slick bastard. Never change.
Bloomberg did not bend, leading the crowd to openly boo him when he delivered his final line on the matter: “I said we’re not going to end these agreements because they were made consensually.”
Booooo! Boooooo! You suck, Bro!! Throughout the evening Liz continued to kick his lifeless corpse, just to make sure he stayed dead for a little while.
Wikipedia vandals changed Mr. Bloomberg’s page to list his death date as Feb. 19, 2020.
Liz Warren, mild mannered College Professor and Senator of Massachusetts, felt no guilt as she left the bloody stage. Instead, she felt invigorated as she spoke with pundits in soft Oklahoma inspired tones, gently murdering the Former Mayor of New York City throughout the long winter night.
You can watch the full debate here: