Wisconsin Votes, Rand Paul Recovers, Tigers Can Catch Corona, and JOE BIDEN WON’T BECOME BERNIE SANDERS, WAH!

Since we never know what the hell is going on in the world, I decided maybe we need a news round up to tell us wtf happened overnight, but don’t get excited, nothing good ever happens.

Wisconsin heads to the polls today, and it’s all bad. Governor Evers ordered the primary moved to June due to Corona Virus, yet the Conservative Wisconsin Supreme court voted to strike down the order given by the Governor. Not to be outdone, Kavanaugh and the Conservative majority on the US Supreme Court struck down extended absentee voting in the state, so voters are out of luck and will have to brave the Covid-19 virus in order to participate in our Democracy. Even worse, it appears that only 4 polling places are open in Milwaukee and the lines are already long. So, wear masks and cover up if you are a Wisconsin voter, and wash those hands before you touch anything even if you wear gloves. Ya never know what might happen, so better safe than sorry.

White House Press Secretary Stephanie Grisham is leaving her job, and no, she has never once held a press briefing. Grisham was employed by Melania Trump’s office before being promoted to WH Press Secretary and will be returning to her job, so, at least she won’t be in the unemployment line with millions of others. Mark Meadows has taken over and hired Kayleigh McEnany, who used to be on CNN all the time.

CNN reported that Grisham is returning to the East Wing where she will serve as First Lady Melania Trump’s spokesperson and chief of staff.

According to the report, White House Chief of Staff Mark Meadows is considering Trump campaign spokesperson Kayleigh McEnany to replace Grisham.

If you don’t know who McEnany is I have a clip that should remind you of how terribly weird and awkward she can be.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3K2x_HOO0dQ

“You can scoot until you fall off that ledge!!!”

Oh my God, she is such a weirdo, no lie.

John Lewis has endorsed Joe Biden for President, and I’m hoping the Berniebro Nation is able to control themselves this time.

Last cycle Superdelegates were still in play, so each time a big endorsement came down it fueled Berner conspiracy theories about the DNC, The Establishment, and Hillary Clinton. Nowadays, without the Supers, big endorsements fuel conspiracy theories about the DNC, The Establishment, and Joe Biden. Since we’ve gone rounds over John Lewis all over the web before, it would be nice if we didn’t end up watching the toxic Catshitfire that people call a Revolution spew racist garbage at a Living Legend. I’ll keep you updated on this, I have my eyes open and I’m ready to call out the worst of the worst. Speaking of the worst of things, a Coughing Tiger at the Bronx Zoo has tested positive for the Corona Virus likely due to an asymptomatic attendant or zookeeper. This is not the first animal to contract the virus during this pandemic and it shows how dangerous it is, and how easily it is spread.

The tiger’s positive diagnosis follows scattered reports around the world of other animals contracting the virus, raising concerns among pet owners about whether their animals could be at risk. Officials in Hong Kong have discovered covid-19 in at least one cat and two dogs quarantined with their infected owners, while a cat in Belgium showed some signs consistent with the virus after its owner returned from Italy and later tested positive.

See that? Even cats and dogs can get it, so make sure you wash your hands before you care for your pets, don’t be a dumbass.

Black People are at higher risk for Corona Virus, says the Surgeon General. Black People figured that out about 3 weeks ago, but, hey, good lookin’ out, you at least tried. The death toll for Corona has exceeded the death toll from 9-11, a milestone nobody wanted to reach; it’s really a shame that we don’t have an adult human President, because the Federal response is absolute chaos. Cuomo and other Governors have found themselves having to work around Donald Trump in order to help their constituents, but at least he sent the Navy Ships, I guess. On that note, a crew member of the Navy ship Comfort has also tested positive for Corona, but luckily, they say it will not affect their ability to take in patients. The Comfort is parked where ailing New Yorkers can be taken in easily when forced to search for an alternative hospital facility, due to over-crowding at local hospitals; another ship named the Mercy is parked in LA Harbor ready to take in Los Angelinos if things get too bad there. Last thing on Corona; Demi Moore and her ex-husband Bruce Willis are self isolating together, says their daughter, no, I don’t remember which one, I just threw it in because it shows how weird this pandemic is making people act. Oh, I lied, one more thing…. Rand Paul has officially recovered from the Corona Virus, and is volunteering at the hospital; I guess kids can always use an extra clown to cheer them up, so I’m sure he will be kept busy making balloon animals and joking about lawn disputes.

Last thing; David Klion is extra hysterical this morning and boy is he pissing in his own Cheerios. Still bitter from the impending loss of Bernie Sanders to Joe Biden, he has a salty ass piece in Daily Beast where he cries like a little titty baby and works himself into a lather over The Future. Many of us are pretty sure we’re all going to die anyway, because Trump is literally trying to kill us with his dismal response to this health crisis, so, we find David to be a never ending source of amusement.

Here is the title…

By Picking Joe Biden, Democrats Are Kissing Their Future Goodbye

Oh, such a murderous title, I bet that really hit ya in the feels, huh?

Yes, there will be absolutely NO FUCKING FUTURE for the entire Democratic Party because merkin faced poo poo head David is seriously serious about how screwed we are unless Joe Biden becomes Bernie Sanders. AND HE MEANS IT!. For real! He means it! Grrrr! Are you scared, did he scare you? No? Me neither.

He wrote this in the Daily Beast today:

Now history is repeating itself, as Marx warned, as farce, with Bernie Sanders decisively winning the argument over the party’s future while meeting unshakeable resistance from a Democratic establishment composed largely of politicians who were shaped by 1968.

Oh give me a fucking break, dude, if you said this on TV you could get a Daytime Emmy AT LEAST, just for the melodramatic title. Bernie won what argument? Oh, here we go with this shit. If Bernie had won any argument, he would be in the LEAD and not LOSING. One thing I always enjoy is the idea these folks have that Bernie is somehow timeless and immortal, always winning the “real” battle, while also being the wokest of the woke. Just like Marx. Who was pretty fucking racist. What is it with the leftist set and their love for old ass men who never accomplished much? That’s rhetorical. Don’t bother getting your beautiful mind worked up, because he said some more stupid shit.

Here is the choice bit:

If Democrats are serious about exciting their entire base in November to defeat Trump, there are still steps they can take to win over the Sanders coalition.

Win over the people who promise we will never win them over? Yippee! Who doesn’t want to kiss their asses, eat a thousand shit sandwiches, and have them still not show up again?? Yeah, no. Contrary to popular Berner belief; they are not base voters. It is actually harder to get them into the polls for Dems this cycle than it is to get never Trump Republicans and Independents. Once you hold the party hostage to your demand a few times and we LOSE, you kinda lose your place among the base.

Sanders should (and, one expects, will) be given a prominent speaking role at the virtual convention; his allies like Reps. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez and Rashida Tlaib should be as well.

Why? Hasn’t he given that same ass speech a million times? I don’t actually want to hear from Tlaib or Bernie at the fuck all. It would be nice to have a moment where the winner was celebrated and maybe not have a bunch of Progressives there who love to lead the audience in boos when someone they don’t like is mentioned. Also, they cry too much. Also, they put tape over their mouths and look stupid and pathetic and I’m really annoyed with the whole set this week. Tlaib, no. Don’t wanna hear her speak. Nope.

Biden should make explicit in his own remarks that he understands and empathizes with younger voters’ legitimate anger.

“Hi. Thousands of people are dying, but we want you to make us feel special and give us the attention we crave; oh yeah, tell us our white male anger is okay and legitimize it, or else we won’t vote for Biden over Trump. We’re not really going to show up, but we want to see you break your necks to get us to the polls.” This is what I read.

But endorsements and speeches won’t be enough. Biden must also embrace the substantive aspects of Sanders’ platform—including Medicare For All, which exit polls across the country show clear support for, as well as the Green New Deal and tuition-free college—that have galvanized millennials. Everything about the virtual convention could be designed to showcase this agenda.

Oh, this makes perfect sense. Biden should put on his Bernie Sanders costume and run on Bernie’s policies that Bernie lost twice with; once again, or else they won’t show up. Also, we MUST showcase BERNIE’S agenda by pretty much building the entire convention around HIS policies that Biden MUST run on, and then we can pretend Sander’s fans won’t just say Biden is disingenuous, and “doesn’t really mean it” like they did to Hillary. How droll. Biden already has his own fucking policies, and I can see David hasn’t bothered to even google Biden’s website. I get that David and the gang really believe everyone was super in love with Bernie’s platform, yet that is actually not the case at all. If voters really wanted Bernie’s wishlist and thought it was feasible, wouldn’t we be voting for Bernie? Biden has already reached out and included a policy from Liz Warren and a policy from Bernie Sanders; there is very little chance Biden will suddenly switch out ALL of his policies for Bernie’s any time soon. David is going to have to deal with the fact that Bernie lost, and no amount of dressing him up in Bernie’s wrinkled, ill fitting, Socialist suits will transmogrify Joe into Bernie. THANK YOU BLACK JESUS. But, at least he has realized that Biden will be the nominee. Let’s just hope he tells his friends on Twitter, so they stop making shit up about Joe in hopes Bernie will become the default nominee if they can force something to stick.

 

Daily Beast

 

 

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Bernie Sanders’ “Path To Victory” Is In The Same Place As The “Real Killers” O.J. Simpson Is “Searching” For

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Have you seen Bernie Sanders’ “Path to Victory” laying around anywhere? For weeks Dems have been searching high and low, in brooks and streams, on hillsides and mountaintops, down in the valleys and on the high plains, from sea to shining sea, yet we cannot find Bernie’s way. We’ve asked and asked, sent in our most fearless interrogators, we have even asked his team, all to no avail; Bernies mysterious path to victory eludes even the most dogged Dem detectives. From Bernie-world we hear cries of sorrow and squeaks of outrage; how dare we call on Bernie to drop out when not every state has voted? Do we not even care a little for Democracy? This is between THEIR cries for Biden to drop out, usually due to some health condition invented on the spot. We patiently explain math to the masses of angry Bernie people we find braying and howling in our mentions, we explain how unlikely it is that people will flip to Bernie from Biden. Again, all to no avail. Bernie Sanders claims to have a “narrow” path to victory. Who are Berners to believe? Me or his lying lies? Besides, Bernie would never play games, if he says he can win (I imagine Berners think this), then GODDAMMIT HE CAN WIN!!

Many say Bernie is a truth teller, not a self centered old codger who just missed his last chance to hold Presidential power. I disagree.

Bernie Sanders is absolutely full of shit. Ever since he lost the Michigan contest so epically to Joe Biden in March, Bernie has been touting his “narrow path to victory” to anyone willing to put him on the air, or give him the undeserved attention he so desperately craves. But, when asked what exactly that path looks like, Bernie gets mad, and Bernie’s staff gets quieter than a group of mimes at the library during “shut the fuck up” time. Indeed, you can’t get directions to this path from any known map, you can’t get it told to you by enlightened Berners, Bernie’s staff won’t point it out, and Bernie himself will not fucking tell you no matter how many times you ask.

Much like O.J. Simpson searching for the “real killers” of his ex-wife Nicole Brown Simpson and her friend Ron Goldman, Bernie’s fruitless path will lead right back to himself, after winding its way aimlessly around the nation. Let’s hope Bernie doesn’t hit up Vegas and find out someone has some of his stolen memorabilia.

From Politico:

Bernie Sanders insists he has a “narrow path” to the nomination. But he and his aides refuse to say what it is.

I oscillate between laughter at the people still in thrall to Belated Bernie, and irritation AT Bernie for playing these stupid games; if there really is a path, it cannot possibly be so difficult to explain that you lose your ability to speak when its mentioned. Bernie’s comeback was supposed to begin in Michigan, a state he won in 2016, yet lost so decisively last month that he lost every single county. Michigan was supposed to be his salvation, he even went there to deliver a speech on race that he didn’t bother to deliver. For a man who has been CENTERED in the Civil Rights Movement, to the point where Black Leaders have been denounced by The Revolution as “sell outs”, or “selling us all out” for not choosing to support the only person in the race with photos of Bruce Rappaport doing civil rights work, Bernie is terrible at even discussing race. So, I guess he chose not to bother trying to get better in the five years he’s had to fix his issues with Black People, much easier to let PoC speak for you. Maybe soon we can be centered in our own movements again? Yeah. Wish in one hand…

A majority of the states and territories yet to vote rejected him in 2016. The national polls don’t offer much hope either — since Joe Biden defeated him in Arizona, Florida and Illinois on March 17, Sanders has trailed him by double-digits in every single national survey.

At this time Biden is polling ahead of Sanders in Alaska (My State) 57 to 43, in Wisconsin Biden is up by as much as 30% in some polls and 538 has his odds of winning at 88%. Biden is also forecast to win Puerto Rico, Ohio, Kansas, Guam, Nebraska, Oregon, Hawaii, Pennsylvania, New Jersey, Maryland, Indiana, Connecticut, New Mexico, Rhode Island, Delaware, District of Columbia, Montana, South Dakota, Virgin Islands, West Virginia, Louisiana, New York, and Kentucky. This is all the states we have left. Where the fuck is that path to victory?

Whoopi Goldberg grilled Sanders on “The View,” pushing him to explain how he could still capture the nomination. He never spelled it out, instead arguing that “people in a democracy have a right to vote and have a right to vote for the agenda that they think can work for America, especially in this very, very difficult moment.”

Wow, how clever. Does this mean people actually have the right to vote for whatever agenda they think will work best, or is this just some shit the losing side says to convince themselves that their cause is so noble, so integral, that it’s worth potentially handing Trump the White House for another 4 years? Let’s keep it all the entire way real; Bernie knows many people believe his staying in the race long after it was clearly fucking over made it extremely hard for Hillary to unite the party, and it pisses him off when anyone alludes to it. So, why the fuck does he look like he’s about to repeat the same dumb ass shit this year?

His path is so narrow that some of Sanders’ senior aides have even advised him to consider dropping out, though not everyone in his inner circle feels the same way, according to people familiar with the situation.

COME ON, BRO!!! Your own staffers are telling you it’s over, and they are your favorite type of staffers–men. Why aren’t you at least listening to Clown ass Weaver? You LOVE Clowns! You hired Nina, Brie Brie, and Corny to prove it.

Another possible reason for not explaining his long-shot course to victory: it depends on something his staff and allies have for the most part only whispered about — an epic Biden collapse. 

This is the real reason Bernie is staying in and I find it super fucked up. The only ones trying to manufacture a collapse of that magnitude are Bernie’s very own supporters, who behave more like a hit squad than like stalwart fans. Daily we have obnoxious bros in our mentions pushing some half cocked bullshit that mysteriously begins trending overnight, and dies down during the day. Oh, sure, it could really be thousands of Berners up late organically causing hashtags to trend, but it’s not fucking likely.

Here is what Bernie is after:

It is especially important to these Sanders supporters to maintain the rule changes they achieved in 2016, such as barring superdelegates from voting for presidential candidates on the first ballot. In order for his backers to have negotiating power, they said, Sanders needs to receive at least 1,200 delegates — he has more than 900 now — so they can introduce minority resolutions. They also hope that Sanders can push Biden to commit to progressive appointments.

No, no no no no no double fuck you all to hell NO. Fuck NO. Fuck YOU. Progressive appointments? FUCK OFF. Biden doesn’t need any of you back stabbing, ball biting bitches running game on him within his administration. Do you SEE the shit y’all are posting about him? The DUMBEST thing Biden could do is trust ANY of the Berniecrats as far as I could throw Donald Trump.

“The party reforms go down the drain if he doesn’t stay in,” said Cohen, adding that if he drops out before hitting 1,200 delegates, “it’s going to be Biden’s people writing the platform, that’s it.”

Good. I hope we hold Bernie Sanders below 1200 for one simple reason. Bernie Sanders is an asshole and the rule changes were made in hopes of settling some differences and moving forward in unity, without all of the claims of cheating and rigging, yet that is not how things went. Instead, we have Bernie’s loudest surrogates and supporters spreading nasty rumors and assassinating the character of the likely nominee, all in hopes it will stain Biden so bad he will have to withdraw and let Bernie be nominee. THIS IS EXTREMELY UNLIKELY.

If you’re upset with Sanders for not dropping out, there is no need to lose hope or feel like all is lost; staying in the race has the potential to be damaging to Sanders’ movement, possibly completely neutering the left of left, and it would be all their own dumb ass faults.

MSNBC:

But what if, this time around, he sticks it out and there are no more primary wins, or even near-misses? What if it’s just one landslide defeat after another?

If the late stage of the ’16 primary season enhanced his clout, would finishing up now with a string of lopsided losses actually diminish Sanders and his movement? 

Unlike in 2016, Bernie is unlikely to win ANY more states, so that momentum argument they used to “prove” Bernie Woulda Won, would instead prove Bernie Shoulda Not Run. Many voters who chose Bernie Sanders in 2016 have chosen to go with Joe Biden in 2020; Bernie’s base has only gotten smaller as the years have passed, and cries of “Feel the Bern!” have been replaced with memes of “Ridin’ with Biden.” I don’t like to state the O B V I O U S, but most Dems looking for a cool grandpa to hitch a ride to better times with, have already held their thumb out at Uncle Joe’s “No Malarkey Express” this cycle. Look, nothing short of death or a miracle will prevent Joe Biden from being our nominee, it might be wise if Bernie signaled this to his base very soon. Like yesterday,

 

Politico

MSNBC

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Bernie Can’t Tell Whoopi Where His “Path To Victory” Went

I feel like I’m stuck in a world of ENDLESS sinister Groundhog Day Style movie remakes. Bernie Sanders will not stop running for President even though he knows there is no way in hell he can win. Just like in 2016. Bernie, that sensitive soul, is super very touchy when anyone presses him on packing it in and letting Biden get down to business, so he has imagined a secret possible “path to victory” that cannot possibly exist. This is NOT the first time. Last time, Bernie fed his tribe of internet warriors honeyed lies about how he was “taking it to the Convention” and somehow convincing the Establishment that he was more electable than Hillary. Like I said, this isn’t the first time. But it better be the last.

Boston Globe:

Four years ago, Sanders’ refusal to accept the reality that he was not going to be the Democratic nominee for president dragged the 2016 primary race with Hillary Clinton all the way to the party convention in July — undoubtedly damaging her candidacy.

Bernie’s second run is a bit like if they built another Titanic, made all of the same shit moves with lifeboats, headed off on the same exact date the next year, clearly saw the icebergs, and rode right into them on purpose. And then were super surprised that their ship began sinking. At this time the ship has floundered, the lifeboats have all been taken, and the SS No Malarkey has shown up to take everyone aboard. Yet, the crew angrily refuses to jump ship, the remaining passengers are cursing Captain Joe of the No Malarkey, and Captain Bernie of Titanic 2.0 is yelling out, “I still have a path to port!” while daring anyone to disagree. The band plays on, Captain Bernie records his Vlogs faithfully, the No Malarkey crew looks on in horror, and the ship slowly inches it’s way down into the Sea. 

Four years later it’s like watching the same bad movie again. In 2020, Sanders has even less chance of overtaking Joe Biden. He’s performed worse than he did in 2016. Since the South Carolina primary, Biden has trounced him nearly everywhere they have faced off, and usually by double digits. Every theory Sanders had about the race — that he could mobilize white working-class voters to support him and that he would bring new voters to the polls — has been proven wrong.

Bernie Sanders is STILL hanging around, trying to find a way to look important in his blood-red room of death while he lures unsuspecting journalists, and others with TV shows, into his lair (remotely) so that he can try to work his stump speech into an interview or two. Not one new word or idea has passed his lips since the last set of primary contests, ones that he lost in an embarrassing defeat, and he seems bored without rallies to give him all that delicious attention. Bernie is desperate for some airtime. March was pretty much a blowout for Joe Biden, though Bernie was slated to win states like Michigan when the month began. By the time South Carolina had finished counting enough votes to give Joe Biden an epic win, with what appears to have been higher turnout than ’08, Bernie’s fate was already sealed. Bernie would not be the Dem nominee in 2020, just as he was not in 2016, the only question remaining was this: How long would it take Bernie to discover he had lost?

Whoopi Goldberg stepped up and took one for the team when Sanders showed up on The View this week, and boy was it HARD to get a straight answer out of Bernie on when exactly he was going to do the math and see he had no chance.

Let me make a few points:

  1. Nobody said anything about how hard he worked for Hillary. She said he TOOK TOO LONG in DROPPING OUT. Bernie loves nothing better than he loves a straw-man, especially one he has carefully crafted with his own energy, and pulled right out of his own asshole.
  2. “I don’t accept that characterization.” You know what? Your acceptance isn’t necessary, Bernie. It’s fucking true regardless.
  3. How fucking much longer are you going to take making your assessment? Cause, you need to go.
  4. You being in the primary has nothing to do with our right to vote, you are not that fucking important.
  5. She didn’t ask what you were doing in the Senate, she asked what your path to victory is.
  6. “Well, for the fourth time, we are assessing–” OH SHUT UP!
  7. I am so tired of Bernie’s stump speeches and lectures, so so so so tired.

Apparently Krystal Ball is my complete opposite; while I think Bernie was being a rude, evasive, party squatting dick, she seems to think Whoopi was as wrong as shoes on a snake, and Bernie is a Prince among men.

Outrageous? Unconscionable? Do you even know what the words mean, Twerp? Also, rude? Krystal, you must not watch your own show, but lol, I find it cute how y’all are over here explaining how Whoopi should have run her interview. I get the sense that Krystal is super rich, cause she is ready to talk to your manager, Whoopi!!!! You better hurry up and ignore her ridiculous ass. Brodude looked ready to CRY about how rude that Black Lady is, although I’m not sure he can say things like ‘Black Lady”; he is still pretending race is not important or acknowledgeable. I tend to believe Ball and her co host, along with the Twitter Berners, fully believe Biden will gaffe out of the race and we will turn to Bernie in desperation. They’ll make us BEND THE KNEE!! It’s all they’ve ever wanted.

Sanders wants Biden to persuade him to drop out by making “make significant policy and personal overtures,” a person close to Sanders told the Washington Post. Putting aside the question of why Biden should make any concessions to his vanquished rival, maybe it’s worth asking if the guy who has come up short in two straight primary elections should be the one making demands. Frankly, what policy issue could possibly be more important than uniting the Democratic Party behind the urgent task of defeating President Trump?

Um, excuse me?

“make significant policy and personal overtures,”

What the fuck does this mean, exactly? Fuck that, why the entire fuck do you want PERSONAL OVERTURES, and wtf does that even entail?

WaPo:

One of the people close to Sanders — who, like the others, spoke on the condition of anonymity to reflect internal deliberations — said Biden would have to make significant policy and personal overtures to Sanders to potentially persuade the senator to leave the race, and to win the trust of his followers.

Are you serious with this shit? Again? What makes your old Marxist, can’t get the Black Vote, lost every County in Michigan, two time primary losing self think that the winner of the primary should have to beg you to quit and then run on YOUR agenda? When has this EVER happened?

The longer that Sanders continues his ego-driven campaign the more ill will he will spread. Continuing this feckless endeavor will only further marginalize Sanders — and the issues he is advocating for — in the eyes of Democrats.

Many Democrats are agonizing over Bernie refusing to exit the race, he doesn’t seem to see the point in dropping out just because he cannot see a path to victory. For weeks Bernie has been reassessing his campaign; that is, between the vlogging, the cyber concerts, and roundtables, yet it looks like he still hasn’t assessed a goddamn thing. What is Bernie waiting for? A miracle? For one of the smears his bros are trying to make trend about Biden to get some traction?

This has become a tired and predictable game with Sanders: he claims to take the high road while his unbowed cheerleaders remain in attack mode. On social media the Vermont senator’s surrogates and more militant supporters continue to lacerate Biden for his verbal miscues and darkly suggest he is in cognitive decline. It was the same four years ago. 

Does he think we’ll all suddenly realize that we can’t live without him? Ha!

Joe Biden, for his part, is NOT waiting for Bernie to reassess his campaign to begin his vetting of VP candidates, so, apparently there is still one person on earth who is not waiting to see what Bernie plans on doing before making a move. Joe Biden has a limited time to get all of his ducks in a row, so if Bernie thought he would be holding Joe back and keeping him paralyzed from taking any unilateral action, he’s shit out of luck. Biden kindly called him beforehand and let him know he’s moving on, and nobody is more thrilled than I am for that prospect. Bernie’s time is growing short, unlike last time where people made a million excuses for Bernie staying in, this time he is a known factor, and we know letting him ride things out until the convention just leads to a loss for us at the polls in November. Bernie, let us know when you’re finished, maybe we’ll even give a shit if you do it very very soon. Probably not, tho. We tired.

 

Boston Globe

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These 6 Clips Show How Obama, Never Bernie, and the Establishment (Black People) Made Bernie Lose to Joe

It was just one week out of one of the longest months ever known to man. March of 2020 will go down in history for being the first instance when the world came together, separately, and in their own spaces, of course, for self quarantine or for self preservation, all in order to prevent the spread of a global pandemic from the infected, to the uninfected. Not many people will remember this March as my Birthday month, or as the month that contained one particular week that decided the outcome of this primary election, and possibly, the future of the Democratic party. Almost nobody will remember it thus, yet if you are a Democratic Party insider, a dedicated Grass roots supporter of one of the Dem candidates (still running or not), or a stalwart member of the Revolution, it will be seared into your brain for years to come.

This primary season has been completely different than any primary season there ever was or will be. Not only did we have a, at times, self described Socialist on the debate stage, we also had a Gay Man, two Black Men, a Few Jews,  a Beto Man, a Latino Man, several Seth Moultons, a Black Woman who was also an Indian Woman, a Surfing Samoan Hindu Hippie Soldier, a Billionaire Beating Power-fisting Progressive Professor, an Industrious Inland Lady Legislator, Tom Steyer, The Queen Of the Moon People– Marianne Williamson, and the Math Motivated Automation and UBI Expert in the making, among MANY OTHERS. Way too many.

One by one, these candidates dropped out, were pushed out, went broke and jumped out, and we were down to just a handful of candidates. Iowa, New Hampshire, and Nevada were Gold for one of the candidates, and quite frankly, many of us were losing our shit as the media dramatized the race and elevated Bernie Sanders as the likely nominee.

Check out this hotter than hot take from February when Bernie Sanders was considered by many (NOT ME) to be the Front-Runner and likely nominee:

Krystal Ball is the literal worst; I waver between liking her and not liking her, depending on who she decides to be in any given year. And who is the clueless, completely wrong, yet cute man-boy next to her? Whoever he is, he is doing the most in his attempt to talk around race so he can focus on class, which just makes it glaringly obvious that race is far more important than these Progressives make it out to be. Not only did I find their analyses completely ridiculous at the time, looking at this clip in retrospect, I literally just wasted a whole entire hour laughing and trying to explain to Mike what the hell is so funny. He doesn’t care.

Ball, in her glorious wisdom, believed that all the portents and signs were there to prove that the Establishment was finally ready to bend the knee. “Bend the Kneeeee!!!” was the theme for her whole segment; according to Ball, EVERYBODY was going to bend the knee. Hillary was going to bend, the Establishment, Reverend Al, MSNBC, and to top it off, Jason Johnson was off the air. Knee Bent!! She was as happy as a Berner on Twitter reporting Dem accounts into suspension. Everything was going according to plan; the Moderate vote was split, Bernie was ahead, Obama was staying out, Bernie was going to coast to the nom, and Dems would push him across the finish line.

They had no choice.

NYT:

Jane King, a financial investor from Boston who describes herself as progressive, began the presidential primary as an avowed supporter of Senator Elizabeth Warren of Massachusetts. But as Ms. Warren’s candidacy seemed to fade early this year, Ms. King looked elsewhere.

Okay, it’s all good in the hood, baby! That’s a Warren voter, so, surely she’d move to Sanders since he and Liz have similarly left platforms. Bernie was on his way to victory!

She considered Michael R. Bloomberg, Ms. Warren’s electoral nemesis. She thought about Pete Buttigieg, another moderate. Ultimately, in the Massachusetts primary that was a must-win for Ms. Warren, Ms. King voted for former Vice President Joseph R. Biden Jr.

Um? Whoa, that was quite a surprise! Was Bernie’s name left off of her ballot? I mean, if she couldn’t vote for her beloved ‘Lizbeth, why couldn’t she vote for Liz’s ideological Brother from another mother?

She was simply trying to be strategic, Ms. King admits: She was willing to do whatever was necessary to stop Senator Bernie Sanders of Vermont from becoming the Democratic nominee.

HOLY POOP! (I’m trying not to cuss so much. I can legit use foods in place of fake cussing, if you prefer.) I mean, if you watched the clip, you’d see that this is NOT what Krystal “The Genius” Ball told us to expect. This is the ending I was predicting and planning for. Huh. Maybe Krystal should read my feed and see what people who supported everyone besides Bernie had to say about Bernie. Although we are not the “Establishment”, we’ve all stayed at a Holiday Inn Express tho, so we oppose Bernie. Sanders’ movement is an online phenomenon that made it’s way to the streets; kinda, well, to your local arena in White neighborhoods, mostly. So, we online people have been watching The Revolution with feelings ranging between mild annoyance to bitter hate and furious rage. Me personally? I just don’t like them. Meh.

“I didn’t want Bernie to beat Elizabeth in her own backyard. But then, it became much more complicated than that,” said Ms. King, 70. “Are we going to have a nominee who could take on the Republican Party? We have to stop Bernie.”

Krystal Ball was ready to battle it out with the establishment, and fully believed Bernie had this thang all sewn up. It was In The Proverbial Bag.

There was no way for Bernie to fuck this up; the moderate vote was split, Bernie had his plurality, it was time to crow about it on teevee.

March was nowhere near as kind to Bernie as February; I’ll take full credit, sure. March saw Bernie’s hopes go from glowing anticipation, to being crushed into dust. The polls had been rather favorable to him; he had pulled even with the black vote, according to some polls, so what happened?

Rarely has political momentum flipped as quickly as it did in the first half of March, as Mr. Sanders lost serious ground to Mr. Biden before the coronavirus slowed their race. There are well-known reasons for the shift: Moderate candidates like Mr. Buttigieg and Senator Amy Klobuchar of Minnesota rallied around Mr. Biden. He enjoyed demographic advantages, particularly with black voters. And turnout among young voters and liberal nonvoters did not surge, failing to reshape the electorate as Mr. Sanders had hoped.

Everyone, damn near, dropped out and endorsed Biden. Okay, Pete and Amy did, but it had a big impact along with Clyburn’s endorsement. Biden’s win in South Carolina was the turning point, and in Progressive circles, it was the subject of hilarious (to me) Conspiracy Theories about Mean Obama ruining everything for Bernie.

This was legit hilarious. They never expected that the Democratic Party would come together in various ways to stop a man who has been threatening a hostile takeover of our party for the past five years. Do you hear Emma? She is ready to cry her ass off. Oh my. Can you imagine the fun she is at parties? No? Me fucking either. It’s super clear that the Bernie Journos did not see this coming AT ALL, and they had no plan for how to deal with, or reach out to Dems who were rushing to Biden. Bernie, for his part, is a cantankerous old jerk who didn’t feel the need to reach out to ANY of the Hillary Coalition, because he expected a crowded field all the way to the convention.

For some, like Amy Siegel of Natick, Mass., the anti-Sanders feeling relates back to the 2016 Democratic primary, when she supported Hillary Clinton and believed Mr. Sanders ran a divisive campaign that wounded her ahead of the general election. This time around, Ms. Siegel, 57, initially supported Mr. Buttigieg. But she voted for Mr. Biden in her state’s primary, held on Super Tuesday, days after Mr. Buttigieg dropped out and endorsed the former vice president. Ms. Siegel said she decided to flip her vote even before Mr. Buttigieg exited the race.

Bernie didn’t predict Pete falling on his sword for America and Amy picking up the sword and falling on it too. She and Pete weren’t the best of friends. But, they are both Patriots, so, they did their duties. And all hell broke loose in Bernielandia.

Yeah, I brought Emma back. Her nerdy sweater makes me happy. Also, I love the way she freaks out while trying to maintain her composure. Look how pissed they are at Liz Warren? OMG. I bet Emma cried and cried. Biden spent nothing in some of the states he won, while Bernie spent tens of millions. Also, can I point out a few facts? Emma focuses on a bunch of irrelevant bullshit and has a belief that somehow a nation that chooses someone she calls “far Right” would somehow choose a Socialist the next time. And her evidence is that a “Centrist” lost. Huh?

“What the establishment wanted was to make sure that people coalesced around Biden and try to defeat me,” Mr. Sanders said, days after Super Tuesday, on ABC’s “This Week.” “So that’s not surprising.” But some of Mr. Sanders’s vulnerabilities were self-inflicted, and voter interviews and exit polls from states that held their primaries in March suggest that problems existed on the ground level.

Bernie didn’t really even try to earn anyone’s vote, he had his 30% and that would carry him to victory, why change?

Because you lost with the same group last time and it’s even smaller now?

Cenk. Cenk really was on a good one on Super Tuesday, and it was fucking hilarious. His meltdown was EPIC, and he looked like HE was going to cry too.

Look, y’all.

This muthafucka said “We’re going to have Trench Warfare.” This is why I pretty much ignore all the conspiracy theories coming out of the Bernie section of Twitter; they’ve pretty much signaled they think Joe is WORSE than Hillary, and they abused Hillary until…they’re still doing it.

Ahead of Mr. Sanders’s presidential run in 2020, his campaign did not concern itself with smoothing tensions among voters who supported Mrs. Clinton in 2016. He did not seek the endorsements of many party leaders, who were always unlikely to back him, but could have been swayed from being openly antagonistic to ambivalent…”

Such arrogance.

Ball starts out this segment mocking the EXACT Warren supporters Berners spent about a month bullying halfway to death. Then she decides to, along with her co-host, pick Liz apart bit by bit, and try to strip her of her character, casts aspersions on her motivations, and shreds her integrity as if Liz were nothing more than a cardboard cut-out, not a real person. Hey, I have said many things about Liz Warren, but, GODDAMN. Krystal really didn’t do Bernie any favors whatsoever. These kinds of take-downs and cancellations work fine to get retweets and likes from people who already agree with you, but they don’t make skeptical Warren Democrats feel anything kind towards Bernie and his movement.

Ms. Stone, 63, an educator in Houston, said she “supported Warren because she was progressive but practical, and that’s not what Sanders is.”

Plus, Mr. Biden is, like her, a Democrat through and through. And Ms. Stone said that while she remained disappointed Ms. Warren did not perform better in Texas, the fact that the state went to Mr. Biden was some consolation.

“I wasn’t terribly upset,” she said. “It’s better than Sanders winning.”

Anybody was better than Sanders to many of us. We were willing to bite the bullet for Pete, Amy, Biden, even for Bloomberg and Liz, just not Bernie.

The moral of this story is, don’t be a shady bunch of asshole progs who sneer at the public and attack our favorite politicians, and we won’t coalesce around the one candidate that your group of vindictive, bitter, uppity malcontents finds the most abhorrent. Oh, and stop sending Bernie Sanders out to run in our primary if you’re going to continue expecting us to help you make him our nominee. We don’t LIKE him. And he doesn’t like us right back. And neither do you. And stop trying to extort shit out of us and hold us for ransom, that’s not how we do things. We may have our favorite candidates, but we, in the Democratic Party, usually find a way to vote for the nominee without demanding ransom or expecting them to run on someone else’s policies. It’s down to Biden or Trump; if you don’t vote for Biden, you need to go fuck yourself.

We’re not repeating 2016.

 

NYT

Alaska sucks and we are cut off from Civilization!! Everyone donate to my survival fund and I’ll try to survive the wilderness!

Top Ten Things Bernie Can Do During The Corona Pandemic, Other Than Running For President, Because He Lost

Where is Biden to tell Bernie to put his hand down when you need him?

Bernie Sanders is not the winner of our Presidential Primary, this much should be obvious to all and sundry. Every normal human person can CLEARLY FUCKING SEE (by normal I mean people who can count by any means whatsoever or understand that 2 Popsicles are more than one Popsicle) that Bernie has just about zero chance of winning. Nevertheless, Bernie NMN Sanders is STILL running for GODDAMNED President. Why? Why must he subject us to this endless and ongoing Berndetta against the Democratic Establishment? That’s a question that has only bad answers, so instead I have decided to be “Proactive.” I won’t sit here whining about his refusal to move the fuck on with his life. I’m not like his own followers, who are currently whining about how unfair it is that the establishment (Black People) rejected Bernie so forcefully that Joe Biden is now effectively the Dem nominee. I was raised right.

Yes, whining solves nothing, Bernie, and we in the Democratic Party are problem solvers, not titty babies. So, we have come up with a slew of options for Bernie to sort through in all of this leisure time he has on his hands, now that he cannot obsessively campaign. We cannot force Bernie to accept any of these perfectly reasonable suggestions and carry forth with a renewed determination to successfully manage the task at hand, yet we STRONGLY ENCOURAGE him to hurry the fuck up and just pick one and go.

 

The Top Ten Things Bernie Can Do Instead of Running For President After He Has Lost

 

#1- GO BACK TO WORK IN THE SENATE

Lo and Behold! Yeah, that’s right. Bernie actually already has a job in Government, in a place we like to call the United States “Senate.” This is a very prestigious position that not only affords him many luxuries, like 3 homes, it also provided a bit of cachet for his wife Jane when she was working as a College Administrator/President. It gives him access to a host of opportunities to sashay around the town at the swankiest high dollar fundraisers Martha’s Vineyard has to offer, and I’m pretty sure the Lobster Sliders are on the house for Milady Jane. Bernie is no stranger to the Donors, he’s been on the circuit many times over the years, so he is safe as can be with his old-monied amigos. While many see the Senate as the springboard to the “big enchilada”, aka, The Presidency, our Millionaire Marxist is just a small fish in a great big lake house, so he got gobbled up by the former Vice President, Mr. Joe Biden. Bernie may have failed to launch, but he always has work to do in the Senate where he missed the last two EXTREMELY IMPORTANT votes. Vermonters seem to be cooling on the Senator, he barely got over 50% in his own state for the 2020 Primary, but if he hurries back to work, he may be able to cling to a victory and keep his seat in 2024.

 

#2- Retire to His Dacha, oh, I mean His Lake House

One SUPER popular idea is for Bernie to remove himself from the game entirely by retiring to spend more time with his grand-babies, I like this one most. Grandpas love their grand-kids, and those too cute tots love their Grandpas right back! What better way to satisfy the familial stirrings in a young child’s heart than to give them all the Werther’s Originals and fishing trips with Gramps they can stand? Nobody can do your Granddadding for you, and we have already seen many photos of La Jane Grandmomming it up a storm, so maybe it’s the right time to pack it on in and take those Chillins to the “Summer Camp” you paid all that hard earned cash for? Summer homes don’t live in themselves, and at your age, let’s face it, you want to start getting your use out of the place if you don’t want to leave this mortal coil feeling like you didn’t get your money’s worth. You can call your friends, the ones still alive, and let them know, “Mi Dacha es Su Dacha!” and have some Sassy Senior Shenanigans that Vermont will never forget!!

 

#3- Learn to Knit Chairs and Have Yourself a Goddamn Seat

This one is special! Even the most sedate Senior is feeling a bit anxious in these times of quarantine, you can spend the time you have set aside for recreation learning a new and enjoyable skill. Rather than risk the Corona virus ridden crowds, you can head on over to your favorite online retailer and order up some yarn, books on how to knit, some jazzy patterns, and teach yourself how to knit. You may not be able to quite knit a seat, but you sure can shut the hell up while you’re in learning mode! Maybe you can knit a nice blanket to cover your favorite chair, and then have yourself a goddamn seat, Senator, and do it in silence! YAY!

By the way….

Did you know that there are Boomers, GenXers, Millennials, and whoever the hell it is that comes next, my bad, who are entirely tired of you stepping all up in the mix and now demand that you have yourself a million fucking seats? Well, now you know, maybe you need to check your spam filters and Twitter mentions? Cool.

 

#4- Convert a Home Into a Testing Center/Philanthropy

Heyo! What’s a “Man of the People” worth (besides millions) if he’s not willing to sacrifice a little of his own riches for the “little people”, eh Senator? That’s right, there is an altruistic solution to your whole “I lost the 2020 Primary and I Won’t Stop Running for President” problem: You can give back to the people who helped you make it this far. Consider converting one of your many homes into a Pop-up testing center for people who may be infected with the Corona Virus! After all, what type of true Marxist would even own three homes when so many lack even one home to call their own? Don’t wait for the Proletariat, or even worse, the LUMPEN-PROLETARIAT to relieve you of your property during the Working Class Revolution, give it away to charity now, what do you have to lose? Just a home. But think of all the new friends you’ll make while handing out testing swabs, okay? Totally Worth It.

#5- Learn All About Model Trains!!!

What the fuck are model trains? We don’t have a clue, but we are sure you do. See, millennials like myself, and younger folks, grew up with things like “Electricity” and “Cell phones” also “Video Games” in our Toys R Us catalog, so we aren’t your average purveyors of model trains and sets of marbles. In addition, we never knew how the fuck you were supposed to play with “balls and jacks”, so it’s your turn to teach us some Luddite shit. Sure, we could go learn how to use a phonograph, or whatever the hell he said, from Biden, but he’s still learning how to Vlog this week, and it would be a shame to knock him off track. Your move, Senator.

#6- Yell at Clouds or Kids You Don’t Know

Don’t be outdone by Grandpa Simpson, that won’t do!! YOU’RE the yelly-est Grandpa in New England. Show these fake mad Gramp-cucks how it’s really done. Right now, nothing matters more than maintaining a polite social distance from everyone you don’t live with, and even some you do. What will keep people at a safe distance better than having a geriatric curmudgeon like yourself huff up and belt out an insult laced warning? Nothing. It’s a total mood kill.

Say you see some teens when you’re walking in the woods behind your house-cum-testing site while knitting yourself a blanket for your model train platform, and you happen to witness said teens engaging in some social closeness? Well, this is your time to shine, Senator Sanders! You take the deepest breath you can and you ROAR!! Let them know not to “Stand over there!!” like you told Jane, before launching into a diatribe about how you’ve said “no Corona sex back here FIFTY TIMES!!! This is the fifty first.” and you’ll have those former Burlington College Students out of your patch of land quicker than shit. You can literally keep this up FOREVER.

#7- Become a Full Time Vlogger!!

Not everyone can be an Instant Success at Vlogging, but you can, Senator. Fire up the old Mac and set up shop in your studio, and you can Vlog every single day! You already have millions of dedicated followers who will ensure you get “paid baby paid!” through monetized accounts that we are sure Lady Jane can help you set up. Why give all that access to your incredible talents away for free? It’s not everyone who has a speech from 1976 memorized and ready to go at a moment’s notice, most YouTube stars weren’t even born then, so you are already way ahead of the game. Those guys from Pod Save America won’t even see it coming when you overtake them in the “Dismissing Black Women Candidates Because of Your Obvious Misogynoir” department, and you’ll crush them to dust in the “Tokenizing Black Women For Political Gain” department too. Your White Male success is virtually guaranteed, so give this option all due consideration.

#8- Sew Some Goddamned Masks!

Uh oh!! We are running out of fucking masks! With the time saved from no longer having to look up old photos of Bruce Rappaport marching with MLK to slap your name on, you and your followers can spend some of those $27s on sewing machines and materials to make masks for the medical community. Our Nurses, Doctors, and other front-line medical professionals are all we have standing between us, and certain death for many of us, especially those with compromised immune systems, so we need you to be proactive. Rather than secretly imploring your adoring fans to report me on Social Media (it’s a joke, fuck off), maybe you can openly beg them to spend the next week or so patriotically performing a needed task, and help save lives. I’m dead ass serious, do this no matter which option you choose. Get your Revolution to make masks. Now. Please.

#9- Become a Driving Instructor

Oh ho ho! We saw you. We didn’t know you were such patient and careful driver. Guess what? That’s just what our kids need!! Stock your black leather fanny-pack with Red Vines and Peppermints, and head on down to your local driving school. You’ll arrive with carefully edited footage of you performing all necessary driver’s safety tasks that the next batch of youth will sorely need to see. After all, we remember that you made your share of films in your day, Senator, one about Eugene Debs comes to mind, so we know you know your way around a script and a camera.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z4i054Ylips

Have Jane and the Gang help you set up cones in an empty lot near the home or business of a local oligarch, just to ensure you won’t feel a smidge of guilt when you hit something, and get your butt in gear. Show off your three point turn, your parallel parking, and even show them how to back that thang up, baby!

 

An entire generation is ready to hit the road, who better to teach them how to yell at the “asshole who can’t fucking drive” than you? You were MADE for this.

#10- Babysitter for Struggling Families

Kids. They always need someone to watch them, but their parents can’t always afford to pay anybody. Que lastima! But, don’t you worry! Their day can still be saved by “Magic Grandpa and Lady Jane!” You can offer your services taking care of the kinder who test negative for Corona while their parents test positive. I’m not saying this is happening, not yet. But why let such a situation sneak up on you? It’s beneficial when you can get to know your future voters before they’ve had time to become stained by Capitalism. Nothing wrong with using a bit of Marxist Propaganda to start your own literacy program at your Dacha, just like the Castro program you so admired. While you’re communing with the caucus-goers of the future, you can steep them in all the Commie bullshit Fidel shoved down the throats of the kiddies of Cuba. Sure, their parents won’t be happy and indoctrination is fucked up, but you chose this hill to die on already with your continued defense of Castro’s literacy program, and refusal to listen to people who were actually fucking there. No shit, Senator, every shitty regime has SOME good things they’ve done, but you were running for President, and it totally killed your chances in Florida. And basically ended your campaign.

We have done the hard part, Senator Sanders, now it’s time to do your part. Suspend your campaign of continued complaint and set my people free. You had a great run, it lasted longer than so many of the other candidates, but you’re way the fuck behind and polling like shit in the remaining states. It’s time for us to hand you your hat and coat, it’s time for you to move on and let it go, so we can fucking beat Trump.

 

Alaska sucks and we are cut off from Civilization!! Everyone donate to my survival fund and I’ll try to survive the wilderness!