Oh, hey! I never really write much about the Duke and Duchess of Sussex these days, but if you can remember back that far, there might have been a post or two floating around during the time of the wedding that I wrote. Oh, the wedding was so lovely, the Prince so handsome, and the bride was actually the best thing that EVER happened to the Royal Family, in my opinion. And my opinion is right so don’t even think about debating me, because I will WIN. How many Royal Brides cause such mass angst among Nazis that they puke on their shoes, and cry about white genocide? There is only one. Meghan Markle.
Even before the wedding Black People knew DAMN WELL she was in for some major bullshit, so there was pretty much a consensus that we were going to support her every step of the way. We know that the Brits live in some fantasy world where they believe they don’t have major race problems. And we also know that they exported their Anglo-centric worldview to their Colonies here in America. The only reason they didn’t SEEM to have as many problem was because they didn’t have as many Black people there looking at them with our accusatory glare reminding them of their role in SLAVERY. But the wedding was so nice, there were hundreds of nice things written, and we were lulled into complacency for a few days. Then the Nazis got loud. They were screaming about “White Genocide” all over racist Twitter, and we felt bad for them. Because White Genocide doesn’t even exist.
So what exactly is killing off white people in such extremely high numbers that we are now faced with the crisis of not having any white people left on earth? Prince Harry and Meghan Markle got married. To each other. Not only did they get married, but they are also sixth in line to the throne. It’s a Blackpocalypse! Hug your white children. The bishop was too black, her mother was too black, SHE was too black, the choir was too black, and horror of horrors, there were black celebrities there, and they beat Whitey at beer pong at the afterparty.
Yes, the Blackpocalpse did strike all of a sudden, white men were crying into their PBR or Coors, which ever is nastier, and they could not be consoled.
Now this may come as a shock to the millions and millions of white people running around on earth, but apparently, having a black Duchess is the worst thing ever done to white people ever in history. Just ask the deranged idiots at the alt-right hate site The Daily Stormer. Or don’t ask them because you really don’t want to hear their bullshit whining about how oppressed they are every time a minority cracks a smile on a sunny day. Or marries a white person, which is totally murder. Which makes Nazis cry sweet delicious tears of defeat that we can drink like the veriest nectar so we are pretty satisfied with the outcome.
Yes. Their tears were sweet for a while, but it seemed like maybe the European Press had actually never met one Black person in their entire lives. And I’m not playing. So much talk about how exotic everybody was got weird as fuck quickly as hell.
Not only are the idiots of the America alt-right being crybaby racist bitches about the whole thing, Europe also has its share of idiots and weirdly negrophilia-like tendencies. German broadcaster ZDF was dragged for what everybody could clearly see was racist coverage of the wedding.
That brings us to today. After what feels like a hundred years worth of shitty ass stories about Meghan and Harry, Black people are fully over and done with any and all anglophilic tendencies we acquired due to our excitement over having a “Black Princess” who was really a “Duchess” and I, for one, kinda wanted them to pack it in and move somewhere safer, like Harlem or Watts. Cause, y’all know what I remembered? These paparazzi muthafuckas killed Princess Di! Okay, it’s not like I ever forgot about it, but I tried to suppress it and hope for the best. Yet….the rabid nature of the British tabloids blow our press out of the water. What do we even have here that is comparable? TMZ? Yeah, not really.
I mean, this is the type of shit they were dealing with:
What racism? Well, there was Rachel Johnson, prime minister Boris Johnson’s sister, who commented that Markle had “rich and exotic DNA.” There was the BBC commentator who tweeted an image of Meghan and Harry holding hands with a chimpanzee and joked that it was their son. There was the Daily Mail headline “Harry’s girl is (almost) straight outta Compton,” on a story that enumerated the recent crimes that have taken place near Markle’s childhood home, and listed all the street gangs known to operate in the area, reminding the reader again and again that the neighborhood where she was born “couldn’t be more different” from the tony environment in which Prince Harry was raised.
Really, Britian? How you gonna do my girl like that? I come from an area near where she is from, I’m not going to lie, it kind of hurt MY feelings, and I don’t even live there among those racist assholes. But that’s my city they are talking about, so fuck them.
Harry has in the past forcefully condemned racism toward Markle in the U.K. press and on social media. In October, he sued the owners of the Sun and the Daily Mirror for “illegal interception of voicemail messages.” Harry invoked the tragic death of his mother, Princess Diana, in a statement at the time: “My deepest fear is history repeating itself. I’ve seen what happens when someone I love is commoditised to the point that they are no longer treated or seen as a real person. I lost my mother, and now I watch my wife falling victim to the same powerful forces.”
These assholes bullied Meghan with their racist bullshit from day one, it was so bad Harry even had to sue, he told people off, he reminded them they killed his mother, and I guess he just wasn’t too interested in letting them kill his wife too. I mean, DAMN. It was CLEARLY time to go. Clearly.
And then there are the other members of the royal family, who have met all this abuse with silence. “You never see them speaking out about the racism, standing beside her, defending her. She’s been all alone,” a black immigrant to Britain from South Africa told the New York Times.
This is the thing that makes it such a fucking relief that William is going to be King rather than Harry. Lord Jesus, I cannot imagine the torture they’d have put her through if she were in Kate Middleton’s place. And to have to be around these stuffy, boring, cold people who won’t even flip off the Paps and tell them to go fuck themselves had to be the absolute WORST. Apparently, the Young Royals had been trying to get the entire fuck out of there for months, but they had to negotiate an exit and the media caught onto their plans before they could get the Queen to approve their escape. So, Prince Harry did what a normal American man would do. He basically said, “Fuck, you. I’m Out.”
To the non-British world, though, it makes the royal family, and the Britons who revere them, seem racist, churlish, and stuck in a past when they considered themselves superior to all other people on Earth. That’s not a good look for a state that wants look like it belongs in the 21st century. And it’s not good for business, either.
Oh well. There are a bunch of nasty people, like Piers Morgan, who are fucked up in the extreme, and blame Meghan for stealing Harry from his home and family, but let’s keep it all the way real, it was those exact people that made it impossible for them to stay. The Duchess has already made her way to Canada, a place that still has ties to Britain since Queen Elizabeth is the Monarch of Canada, and in theory owns most of the land. So, while not completely out from under the thumb of the Royal family, at least they’ll be in a place with only 9 people per square mile and I highly doubt the British tabloid will set up an outpost just to shitpost about the Duchess from. If that does happen, the British paparazzi might wanna think twice about fucking with her on this side of the pond. Because if they do, I will be organizing a Meg-Hive to drive those bastards just as fucking crazy as they tried to dive her. On my mama, I ain’t never lied. We’ll do it. Immediately, Bitches.