Bernie Can’t Tell Whoopi Where His “Path To Victory” Went

I feel like I’m stuck in a world of ENDLESS sinister Groundhog Day Style movie remakes. Bernie Sanders will not stop running for President even though he knows there is no way in hell he can win. Just like in 2016. Bernie, that sensitive soul, is super very touchy when anyone presses him on packing it in and letting Biden get down to business, so he has imagined a secret possible “path to victory” that cannot possibly exist. This is NOT the first time. Last time, Bernie fed his tribe of internet warriors honeyed lies about how he was “taking it to the Convention” and somehow convincing the Establishment that he was more electable than Hillary. Like I said, this isn’t the first time. But it better be the last.

Boston Globe:

Four years ago, Sanders’ refusal to accept the reality that he was not going to be the Democratic nominee for president dragged the 2016 primary race with Hillary Clinton all the way to the party convention in July — undoubtedly damaging her candidacy.

Bernie’s second run is a bit like if they built another Titanic, made all of the same shit moves with lifeboats, headed off on the same exact date the next year, clearly saw the icebergs, and rode right into them on purpose. And then were super surprised that their ship began sinking. At this time the ship has floundered, the lifeboats have all been taken, and the SS No Malarkey has shown up to take everyone aboard. Yet, the crew angrily refuses to jump ship, the remaining passengers are cursing Captain Joe of the No Malarkey, and Captain Bernie of Titanic 2.0 is yelling out, “I still have a path to port!” while daring anyone to disagree. The band plays on, Captain Bernie records his Vlogs faithfully, the No Malarkey crew looks on in horror, and the ship slowly inches it’s way down into the Sea. 

Four years later it’s like watching the same bad movie again. In 2020, Sanders has even less chance of overtaking Joe Biden. He’s performed worse than he did in 2016. Since the South Carolina primary, Biden has trounced him nearly everywhere they have faced off, and usually by double digits. Every theory Sanders had about the race — that he could mobilize white working-class voters to support him and that he would bring new voters to the polls — has been proven wrong.

Bernie Sanders is STILL hanging around, trying to find a way to look important in his blood-red room of death while he lures unsuspecting journalists, and others with TV shows, into his lair (remotely) so that he can try to work his stump speech into an interview or two. Not one new word or idea has passed his lips since the last set of primary contests, ones that he lost in an embarrassing defeat, and he seems bored without rallies to give him all that delicious attention. Bernie is desperate for some airtime. March was pretty much a blowout for Joe Biden, though Bernie was slated to win states like Michigan when the month began. By the time South Carolina had finished counting enough votes to give Joe Biden an epic win, with what appears to have been higher turnout than ’08, Bernie’s fate was already sealed. Bernie would not be the Dem nominee in 2020, just as he was not in 2016, the only question remaining was this: How long would it take Bernie to discover he had lost?

Whoopi Goldberg stepped up and took one for the team when Sanders showed up on The View this week, and boy was it HARD to get a straight answer out of Bernie on when exactly he was going to do the math and see he had no chance.

Let me make a few points:

  1. Nobody said anything about how hard he worked for Hillary. She said he TOOK TOO LONG in DROPPING OUT. Bernie loves nothing better than he loves a straw-man, especially one he has carefully crafted with his own energy, and pulled right out of his own asshole.
  2. “I don’t accept that characterization.” You know what? Your acceptance isn’t necessary, Bernie. It’s fucking true regardless.
  3. How fucking much longer are you going to take making your assessment? Cause, you need to go.
  4. You being in the primary has nothing to do with our right to vote, you are not that fucking important.
  5. She didn’t ask what you were doing in the Senate, she asked what your path to victory is.
  6. “Well, for the fourth time, we are assessing–” OH SHUT UP!
  7. I am so tired of Bernie’s stump speeches and lectures, so so so so tired.

Apparently Krystal Ball is my complete opposite; while I think Bernie was being a rude, evasive, party squatting dick, she seems to think Whoopi was as wrong as shoes on a snake, and Bernie is a Prince among men.

Outrageous? Unconscionable? Do you even know what the words mean, Twerp? Also, rude? Krystal, you must not watch your own show, but lol, I find it cute how y’all are over here explaining how Whoopi should have run her interview. I get the sense that Krystal is super rich, cause she is ready to talk to your manager, Whoopi!!!! You better hurry up and ignore her ridiculous ass. Brodude looked ready to CRY about how rude that Black Lady is, although I’m not sure he can say things like ‘Black Lady”; he is still pretending race is not important or acknowledgeable. I tend to believe Ball and her co host, along with the Twitter Berners, fully believe Biden will gaffe out of the race and we will turn to Bernie in desperation. They’ll make us BEND THE KNEE!! It’s all they’ve ever wanted.

Sanders wants Biden to persuade him to drop out by making “make significant policy and personal overtures,” a person close to Sanders told the Washington Post. Putting aside the question of why Biden should make any concessions to his vanquished rival, maybe it’s worth asking if the guy who has come up short in two straight primary elections should be the one making demands. Frankly, what policy issue could possibly be more important than uniting the Democratic Party behind the urgent task of defeating President Trump?

Um, excuse me?

“make significant policy and personal overtures,”

What the fuck does this mean, exactly? Fuck that, why the entire fuck do you want PERSONAL OVERTURES, and wtf does that even entail?


One of the people close to Sanders — who, like the others, spoke on the condition of anonymity to reflect internal deliberations — said Biden would have to make significant policy and personal overtures to Sanders to potentially persuade the senator to leave the race, and to win the trust of his followers.

Are you serious with this shit? Again? What makes your old Marxist, can’t get the Black Vote, lost every County in Michigan, two time primary losing self think that the winner of the primary should have to beg you to quit and then run on YOUR agenda? When has this EVER happened?

The longer that Sanders continues his ego-driven campaign the more ill will he will spread. Continuing this feckless endeavor will only further marginalize Sanders — and the issues he is advocating for — in the eyes of Democrats.

Many Democrats are agonizing over Bernie refusing to exit the race, he doesn’t seem to see the point in dropping out just because he cannot see a path to victory. For weeks Bernie has been reassessing his campaign; that is, between the vlogging, the cyber concerts, and roundtables, yet it looks like he still hasn’t assessed a goddamn thing. What is Bernie waiting for? A miracle? For one of the smears his bros are trying to make trend about Biden to get some traction?

This has become a tired and predictable game with Sanders: he claims to take the high road while his unbowed cheerleaders remain in attack mode. On social media the Vermont senator’s surrogates and more militant supporters continue to lacerate Biden for his verbal miscues and darkly suggest he is in cognitive decline. It was the same four years ago. 

Does he think we’ll all suddenly realize that we can’t live without him? Ha!

Joe Biden, for his part, is NOT waiting for Bernie to reassess his campaign to begin his vetting of VP candidates, so, apparently there is still one person on earth who is not waiting to see what Bernie plans on doing before making a move. Joe Biden has a limited time to get all of his ducks in a row, so if Bernie thought he would be holding Joe back and keeping him paralyzed from taking any unilateral action, he’s shit out of luck. Biden kindly called him beforehand and let him know he’s moving on, and nobody is more thrilled than I am for that prospect. Bernie’s time is growing short, unlike last time where people made a million excuses for Bernie staying in, this time he is a known factor, and we know letting him ride things out until the convention just leads to a loss for us at the polls in November. Bernie, let us know when you’re finished, maybe we’ll even give a shit if you do it very very soon. Probably not, tho. We tired.


Boston Globe

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Top Ten Things Bernie Can Do During The Corona Pandemic, Other Than Running For President, Because He Lost

Where is Biden to tell Bernie to put his hand down when you need him?

Bernie Sanders is not the winner of our Presidential Primary, this much should be obvious to all and sundry. Every normal human person can CLEARLY FUCKING SEE (by normal I mean people who can count by any means whatsoever or understand that 2 Popsicles are more than one Popsicle) that Bernie has just about zero chance of winning. Nevertheless, Bernie NMN Sanders is STILL running for GODDAMNED President. Why? Why must he subject us to this endless and ongoing Berndetta against the Democratic Establishment? That’s a question that has only bad answers, so instead I have decided to be “Proactive.” I won’t sit here whining about his refusal to move the fuck on with his life. I’m not like his own followers, who are currently whining about how unfair it is that the establishment (Black People) rejected Bernie so forcefully that Joe Biden is now effectively the Dem nominee. I was raised right.

Yes, whining solves nothing, Bernie, and we in the Democratic Party are problem solvers, not titty babies. So, we have come up with a slew of options for Bernie to sort through in all of this leisure time he has on his hands, now that he cannot obsessively campaign. We cannot force Bernie to accept any of these perfectly reasonable suggestions and carry forth with a renewed determination to successfully manage the task at hand, yet we STRONGLY ENCOURAGE him to hurry the fuck up and just pick one and go.


The Top Ten Things Bernie Can Do Instead of Running For President After He Has Lost



Lo and Behold! Yeah, that’s right. Bernie actually already has a job in Government, in a place we like to call the United States “Senate.” This is a very prestigious position that not only affords him many luxuries, like 3 homes, it also provided a bit of cachet for his wife Jane when she was working as a College Administrator/President. It gives him access to a host of opportunities to sashay around the town at the swankiest high dollar fundraisers Martha’s Vineyard has to offer, and I’m pretty sure the Lobster Sliders are on the house for Milady Jane. Bernie is no stranger to the Donors, he’s been on the circuit many times over the years, so he is safe as can be with his old-monied amigos. While many see the Senate as the springboard to the “big enchilada”, aka, The Presidency, our Millionaire Marxist is just a small fish in a great big lake house, so he got gobbled up by the former Vice President, Mr. Joe Biden. Bernie may have failed to launch, but he always has work to do in the Senate where he missed the last two EXTREMELY IMPORTANT votes. Vermonters seem to be cooling on the Senator, he barely got over 50% in his own state for the 2020 Primary, but if he hurries back to work, he may be able to cling to a victory and keep his seat in 2024.


#2- Retire to His Dacha, oh, I mean His Lake House

One SUPER popular idea is for Bernie to remove himself from the game entirely by retiring to spend more time with his grand-babies, I like this one most. Grandpas love their grand-kids, and those too cute tots love their Grandpas right back! What better way to satisfy the familial stirrings in a young child’s heart than to give them all the Werther’s Originals and fishing trips with Gramps they can stand? Nobody can do your Granddadding for you, and we have already seen many photos of La Jane Grandmomming it up a storm, so maybe it’s the right time to pack it on in and take those Chillins to the “Summer Camp” you paid all that hard earned cash for? Summer homes don’t live in themselves, and at your age, let’s face it, you want to start getting your use out of the place if you don’t want to leave this mortal coil feeling like you didn’t get your money’s worth. You can call your friends, the ones still alive, and let them know, “Mi Dacha es Su Dacha!” and have some Sassy Senior Shenanigans that Vermont will never forget!!


#3- Learn to Knit Chairs and Have Yourself a Goddamn Seat

This one is special! Even the most sedate Senior is feeling a bit anxious in these times of quarantine, you can spend the time you have set aside for recreation learning a new and enjoyable skill. Rather than risk the Corona virus ridden crowds, you can head on over to your favorite online retailer and order up some yarn, books on how to knit, some jazzy patterns, and teach yourself how to knit. You may not be able to quite knit a seat, but you sure can shut the hell up while you’re in learning mode! Maybe you can knit a nice blanket to cover your favorite chair, and then have yourself a goddamn seat, Senator, and do it in silence! YAY!

By the way….

Did you know that there are Boomers, GenXers, Millennials, and whoever the hell it is that comes next, my bad, who are entirely tired of you stepping all up in the mix and now demand that you have yourself a million fucking seats? Well, now you know, maybe you need to check your spam filters and Twitter mentions? Cool.


#4- Convert a Home Into a Testing Center/Philanthropy

Heyo! What’s a “Man of the People” worth (besides millions) if he’s not willing to sacrifice a little of his own riches for the “little people”, eh Senator? That’s right, there is an altruistic solution to your whole “I lost the 2020 Primary and I Won’t Stop Running for President” problem: You can give back to the people who helped you make it this far. Consider converting one of your many homes into a Pop-up testing center for people who may be infected with the Corona Virus! After all, what type of true Marxist would even own three homes when so many lack even one home to call their own? Don’t wait for the Proletariat, or even worse, the LUMPEN-PROLETARIAT to relieve you of your property during the Working Class Revolution, give it away to charity now, what do you have to lose? Just a home. But think of all the new friends you’ll make while handing out testing swabs, okay? Totally Worth It.

#5- Learn All About Model Trains!!!

What the fuck are model trains? We don’t have a clue, but we are sure you do. See, millennials like myself, and younger folks, grew up with things like “Electricity” and “Cell phones” also “Video Games” in our Toys R Us catalog, so we aren’t your average purveyors of model trains and sets of marbles. In addition, we never knew how the fuck you were supposed to play with “balls and jacks”, so it’s your turn to teach us some Luddite shit. Sure, we could go learn how to use a phonograph, or whatever the hell he said, from Biden, but he’s still learning how to Vlog this week, and it would be a shame to knock him off track. Your move, Senator.

#6- Yell at Clouds or Kids You Don’t Know

Don’t be outdone by Grandpa Simpson, that won’t do!! YOU’RE the yelly-est Grandpa in New England. Show these fake mad Gramp-cucks how it’s really done. Right now, nothing matters more than maintaining a polite social distance from everyone you don’t live with, and even some you do. What will keep people at a safe distance better than having a geriatric curmudgeon like yourself huff up and belt out an insult laced warning? Nothing. It’s a total mood kill.

Say you see some teens when you’re walking in the woods behind your house-cum-testing site while knitting yourself a blanket for your model train platform, and you happen to witness said teens engaging in some social closeness? Well, this is your time to shine, Senator Sanders! You take the deepest breath you can and you ROAR!! Let them know not to “Stand over there!!” like you told Jane, before launching into a diatribe about how you’ve said “no Corona sex back here FIFTY TIMES!!! This is the fifty first.” and you’ll have those former Burlington College Students out of your patch of land quicker than shit. You can literally keep this up FOREVER.

#7- Become a Full Time Vlogger!!

Not everyone can be an Instant Success at Vlogging, but you can, Senator. Fire up the old Mac and set up shop in your studio, and you can Vlog every single day! You already have millions of dedicated followers who will ensure you get “paid baby paid!” through monetized accounts that we are sure Lady Jane can help you set up. Why give all that access to your incredible talents away for free? It’s not everyone who has a speech from 1976 memorized and ready to go at a moment’s notice, most YouTube stars weren’t even born then, so you are already way ahead of the game. Those guys from Pod Save America won’t even see it coming when you overtake them in the “Dismissing Black Women Candidates Because of Your Obvious Misogynoir” department, and you’ll crush them to dust in the “Tokenizing Black Women For Political Gain” department too. Your White Male success is virtually guaranteed, so give this option all due consideration.

#8- Sew Some Goddamned Masks!

Uh oh!! We are running out of fucking masks! With the time saved from no longer having to look up old photos of Bruce Rappaport marching with MLK to slap your name on, you and your followers can spend some of those $27s on sewing machines and materials to make masks for the medical community. Our Nurses, Doctors, and other front-line medical professionals are all we have standing between us, and certain death for many of us, especially those with compromised immune systems, so we need you to be proactive. Rather than secretly imploring your adoring fans to report me on Social Media (it’s a joke, fuck off), maybe you can openly beg them to spend the next week or so patriotically performing a needed task, and help save lives. I’m dead ass serious, do this no matter which option you choose. Get your Revolution to make masks. Now. Please.

#9- Become a Driving Instructor

Oh ho ho! We saw you. We didn’t know you were such patient and careful driver. Guess what? That’s just what our kids need!! Stock your black leather fanny-pack with Red Vines and Peppermints, and head on down to your local driving school. You’ll arrive with carefully edited footage of you performing all necessary driver’s safety tasks that the next batch of youth will sorely need to see. After all, we remember that you made your share of films in your day, Senator, one about Eugene Debs comes to mind, so we know you know your way around a script and a camera.

Have Jane and the Gang help you set up cones in an empty lot near the home or business of a local oligarch, just to ensure you won’t feel a smidge of guilt when you hit something, and get your butt in gear. Show off your three point turn, your parallel parking, and even show them how to back that thang up, baby!


An entire generation is ready to hit the road, who better to teach them how to yell at the “asshole who can’t fucking drive” than you? You were MADE for this.

#10- Babysitter for Struggling Families

Kids. They always need someone to watch them, but their parents can’t always afford to pay anybody. Que lastima! But, don’t you worry! Their day can still be saved by “Magic Grandpa and Lady Jane!” You can offer your services taking care of the kinder who test negative for Corona while their parents test positive. I’m not saying this is happening, not yet. But why let such a situation sneak up on you? It’s beneficial when you can get to know your future voters before they’ve had time to become stained by Capitalism. Nothing wrong with using a bit of Marxist Propaganda to start your own literacy program at your Dacha, just like the Castro program you so admired. While you’re communing with the caucus-goers of the future, you can steep them in all the Commie bullshit Fidel shoved down the throats of the kiddies of Cuba. Sure, their parents won’t be happy and indoctrination is fucked up, but you chose this hill to die on already with your continued defense of Castro’s literacy program, and refusal to listen to people who were actually fucking there. No shit, Senator, every shitty regime has SOME good things they’ve done, but you were running for President, and it totally killed your chances in Florida. And basically ended your campaign.

We have done the hard part, Senator Sanders, now it’s time to do your part. Suspend your campaign of continued complaint and set my people free. You had a great run, it lasted longer than so many of the other candidates, but you’re way the fuck behind and polling like shit in the remaining states. It’s time for us to hand you your hat and coat, it’s time for you to move on and let it go, so we can fucking beat Trump.


Alaska sucks and we are cut off from Civilization!! Everyone donate to my survival fund and I’ll try to survive the wilderness!