Three Winners, Three Losers, and 4 Who Were Just There
Who won last night’s debate? Well, let me get out ahead of some of the white male punditry and give you my final analysis RIGHT NOW. I spent the evening watching the debate a total of three times. That should tell you not to believe a goddamn thing that asshole Andrew O’Hehir says over at Salon. While the rest of the political world seems to think Harris had a solid to outstanding night, Andy-pants seems to think it was a perfect opportunity to spread his privileged white dick opinion, and opine about her lack of authenticity
But the problem is precisely that performance is the only basis on which to judge Harris, because her actual personality and principles are impossible to discern.
Wow. You’re a fucking asshole, dude. Meh, it’s from Salon, and I won’t link to it because I’d like to spare you from having to view a white dude damn near lose his shit because a black woman did well in a debate. I think he’s triggered.
On to more important matters! Completely moderated by women, this debate was actually the best so far; it ran so smooth that I have realized we need one change to make ALL debates awesome.
Fire the men.
Number One–Kamala Harris–Top Winner
Kamala Harris definitely had a good night, and not just because Tulsi had a bad one. To that point, Harris’ jab about Tulsi being a Fox News favorite seemed to deflate Rep. Aloha instantly, leaving her open to get smacked around by Mayor Pete later on. Harris also made issue with Pete’s fraught relationship with black voters, getting Pete to agree to her criticisms. Let’s take a look at what Harold Meyerson at TAP had to say.
Of the two children of leftwing professors on the stage, Buttigieg had a bad night and Kamala Harris had a very good one, indeed—returning to the form she showed in the first debate. I don’t think she was the best presidential material on that platform, but she might well be the best candidate to take on Donald Trump on a debate stage.
I saw that too. Out of all the candidates, Kamala seemed the most ready to take on Trump, and if she had the backing of Democrats at large, Trump may resign rather than face her.
But Harris has a touch of earthiness that no other Democratic candidate can equal, as in her answer on Donald Trump’s wooing of Kim Jung Il: With all due respect to the gravity of presidential debates, she began, “Donald Trump got punked.”
Damn straight. You cannot defeat Donald by pumping up your tiny baby struggle-fist and nattering on about snatching pennies out of billionaires’ ashtrays/coin dishes to pay for The American Dream. Trump will simply bring up his “Beautiful Spectacular Plan To Make Everything Golden Awesome” that will be “so cheap, you won’t even believe it when I tell you! Believe me.”
The balance between her qualifying opening clause and her blunt declarative assertion was a thing of beauty. If manner were all, Harris would be a great president.
Amen. Her performance was a thing of beauty.
Number Two–Cory Booker–Big Winner
Cory Booker had his own little bit of awesome when he broke free from whatever had a stranglehold on his snarker, and has caused him to be all types of weird all year long. I have long attributed Cory’s weirdness to that thing where you fall in love and want other people to love people and be a good person like you are. I have tried to be patient with his kind, Christian, caring, compassionate…Okay, it’s starting to look like maybe I’m a misanthropic beyotch, and need to let a little love into my tiny, shrivelled heart.
But gah, can I just say something?
Cory. For the love of gOD. Please marry your girlfriend so she’ll be your wife. Then y’all can learn to hate each other a little bit so your miasma of lovey-doveyness doesn’t get on me. It might burn or tingle or make me be nice to folks I’m seriously grudging on.
I’m done. I swear.
Cory, for his part, had come prepared to make fun of Biden for acting old on the subject of weed. Now we all know Cory is high on life, but Cory was damn near sure JOE had been puffing on the Jazz cigarettes when he came out against legalization of cannabis.
Number Three–Amy Klobuchar—Winner
Amy managed to knock out a win by being consistent and having one thing Pete, Warren, and even Bernie seem to lack when it comes to getting things done: Receipts. Amy let us know she raised $17,000 for her first run from ex-boyfriends. Yo, to me, this is an amazing feat, something only the craftiest mastermind, or a very blunt and honest person, would be able to accomplish. Oh, also, all of my exes are brokeasses, so, don’t mind me. Maybe y’all listened to your moms and only dated men with a job every time.
Well, ain’t we fancy.
Number Four–Pete Buttigieg—He Knows a Lot of Words
Okay, I was gonna write this long thing on Pete and how I can’t tell him apart from Vermin Supreme or Miss Teen South Carolina in transcript form, but that’s a mean thing to say, so I’ll not comment on that word potato salad with raisins. I will just post what I tweeted.
What the fuck is Pete talking about? That shit didn’t make sense. It was nonsense he ate and shat out an served up to us like it was supposed to be inspiring and hopeful. I sometimes think that maybe Pete has never had any reason to lose hope, therefore he has no idea how one would inspire it. McKinsey speak is the WORST. I liked him better when he was the Assistant Manager of Kinney’s Shoes at the mall.
Fuck you, I said it.
Number Five–Biden—He Didn’t LOSE
The Biden Stutter Strikes Again!!
Please skip this section if you are about to be pissed the fuck off at Biden getting another free ass pass.
Do not read this.
It’s another free ass pass.
Biden. Did you review the video? Cool.
You see where you actually did say what Harris said you said? Cool.
Just so you know, Dear Heart, we call what you did erasure in most cases where a Former VP like you says you have the endorsement of the only Black woman Senator, but you have a Black woman Senator onstage with you? Yeah, honey. I know you thought you said first, you meant to say first, and I even saw you try to say first. But your mouth would not let you. It said ONLY. Happens to me sometimes.
See, I eased up on you a while back, because while most of my speech impediments are long gone, or, at least rare, I can always sense when something is up. I was a quiet child. I can tell you were not. I learned to plan out my words in advance. My thing isn’t a full on THING like yours. My mouth will rarely refuse to say what I told it to, and let gibberish fly out. A light stutter, every now and then. Nobody can even tell.
I can tell with you. You stutter. I hear you revving up, getting faster and faster, words flying like grease lightning, and boom. Your mouth just says whatever the fuck it wants to say.
Please slow down.
“The paragraph I had to read was: ‘Sir Walter Raleigh was a gentleman. He laid his cloak upon the muddy road suh-suh-so the lady wouldn’t soil her shoes when she entered the carriage,’ ” Biden tells me, slightly and unintentionally tripping up on the word so. “And I said, ‘Sir Walter Raleigh was a gentle man who—’ and then the nun said, ‘Mr. Biden, what is that word?’ And it was gentleman that she wanted me to say, not gentle man. And she said, ‘Mr. Buh-Buh-Buh-Biden, what’s that word?’ ”
That’s some cold ass shit.
Bill Bowden had the locker next to Biden’s at Archmere. I called Bowden recently. “It was just kind of a funny thing, you know?” he told me. “Hopefully he wasn’t hurt by it.” Bob Markel, another high-school buddy of Biden’s, went a little further when we spoke: “ ‘H-H-H-H-Hey, J-J-J-J-J-Joe B-B-B-B-Biden’—that’s how he’d be addressed.” Markel said the Archmere guys called him “Stutterhead,” or “Hey, Stut !” for short. He fears that he himself may have made fun of Biden once or twice. “I never remember him being offended. He probably was,” Markel said. “I think one of his coping mechanisms was to not show it.” Bowden and Markel have remained friends with Biden to this day.
Maybe I just don’t wanna be an asshole like everybody else, or I am growing soft, or my stutter was such a fleeting thing–a few years– and not very bad at all. My cousin was the ultimate stutter champion until he was a teen and started rapping. “B-b-b-b-b-bi-buh-buh…. Watermelon head, get yo ass back to the Ninja line!”
Yes, He called me Watermelonhead,
How was that easier to say than Bianca? Bs are hard, I guess.
Also, yes. We had a Ninja Line I was supposed to be standing at.
Yes, I ran away from my lawful ninja duties to play in the dirt and collect bugs.
I was so goddamn weird. I’m sure Biden was too.
Number Six–Yang—He Was There
Um, okay. Yang has a Gang now the Yang Gang’s a Thang. I don’t know y’all. Quite a few of Yang’s points were things I could jive with, yet somehow, he didn’t seem to be running for president. He was playing Laurence Fishburne’s role in School Daze, albeit one who is trying to awaken and unite us in awareness about the Technological Revolution rather than South African Apartheid.
He had a few good moments, jokes like the one where he would tell Putin, “Sorry I beat your guy.” but all in all, he did nothing to stand out. One thing that sticks with me is how much we see eye to eye on Donald Trump being a mere symptom of a larger systemic disease.
Number Seven–Bernie—He Was The Same Bernie
There is really not much to say about Bernie’s performance, he was adequate, less loud than in the past, yet still yelly as hell. He has found a way to get on my nerves far less, while still being the same rigid, uncompromising prick he’s always been. But see, that’s the thing isn’t it. The Devil you know is never as bad as the New Devil that’s looming on the horizon. Yes, I am talking about Pete and Liz. No, I do not know them.
Kamala made a great point about, “Where you been, and what are you going to do?” Well, I know where Bernieass has been for fumpteen hundred years. In Government. He is a long term politician who hates politicians so he has decided to become the ULTIMATE politician, probably just to release the citizenry from the thrall of the Corporate Kings and destroy the Iron Throne. Or whatever Presidents sit upon. Bernie didn’t win or lose. He showed up, and bided his time so he could yell, “I WROTE THE DAMN BILL!” at least one more time.
So worth it.
Whatever magic Warren seemed to have gotten into over the Summer as she rode the waves of increasing support has completely washed away. Wan, and bland, she struggled from the beginning when she sparred with Booker over one of her many unpassable plans. I said this Summer that she should pick a few things she’s really good at and stick to them. No one can be all things to all people, and while I did hear her say she had a plan for something once during the debate, it seems like her confidence is not nearly as high.
To be sure, when you receive a lot of positive attention, and also free passes, for months on end, normal criticism can throw you for a loop. Many of us had been saying similar things about her plan to ban industries (insurance) and impose Senate rules changes being bonkers, but nobody in her camp could see past her poll numbers. I cannot recall any memorable exchanges from her, so, I’ll leave it there.
Number Nine–Steyer—Big Loser
Steyer. Okay, dude. While you seem like a very nice guy, guess what? NO MORE BILLIONAIRES. If Bernie Sanders taught me anything it’s that billionaires are even bigger assholes than Bernie Sanders.
Your campaign already stole data, maybe tried to pay for endorsements, you have money, money is power, so why the hell should we give you more power?
NO. I SAID NO. GO AWAY AND DO MORE ACTIVISM
Number Ten–Tulsi—Lost and Got Dragged
Will somebody tell me how this wretch keeps making these GODDAMN DEBATES? It’s like Spicey on Dancing With the Stars at this point, where you can’t imagine who keeps voting to keep her, but there she is, dancing around in Macho Man Randy Savage’s outfits from 1989 every week. Or, Spicey was, not Tulsi, and I was APPALLED.
Tulsi, for her part, had not come for Kamala Harris last night. Shitty luck for her, because Kamala came for her ass anyway. After Harris dragged her from Georgia to Fairbanks and back again, Tulsi managed to look like a liar while trying to call Harris a liar, and ended up moping at her podium.
Later she recalled that she did, in fact, have a hit job to do and went to rush Pete and deliver him a set down over “wanting to take US Soldiers to go fight in Mexico.” Aww, Tulsi! A BETTER staff or some reading glasses would have cleared it all up, and saved you the trouble of getting dragged by PETE from Georgia to Mexico City and back again.
Maybe it’s just me, but Peter seemed rather pleased that she tried it, almost like he said what he said to trick her into attacking him. Whatever the dynamic, just know that Kamala dragged her for all of us, she doesn’t work for any corporations, never worked for a special interest.
She does all she does For The People.
She dragged Tulsi for you.