Bernie Sanders is not the winner of our Presidential Primary, this much should be obvious to all and sundry. Every normal human person can CLEARLY FUCKING SEE (by normal I mean people who can count by any means whatsoever or understand that 2 Popsicles are more than one Popsicle) that Bernie has just about zero chance of winning. Nevertheless, Bernie NMN Sanders is STILL running for GODDAMNED President. Why? Why must he subject us to this endless and ongoing Berndetta against the Democratic Establishment? That’s a question that has only bad answers, so instead I have decided to be “Proactive.” I won’t sit here whining about his refusal to move the fuck on with his life. I’m not like his own followers, who are currently whining about how unfair it is that the establishment (Black People) rejected Bernie so forcefully that Joe Biden is now effectively the Dem nominee. I was raised right.
Yes, whining solves nothing, Bernie, and we in the Democratic Party are problem solvers, not titty babies. So, we have come up with a slew of options for Bernie to sort through in all of this leisure time he has on his hands, now that he cannot obsessively campaign. We cannot force Bernie to accept any of these perfectly reasonable suggestions and carry forth with a renewed determination to successfully manage the task at hand, yet we STRONGLY ENCOURAGE him to hurry the fuck up and just pick one and go.
The Top Ten Things Bernie Can Do Instead of Running For President After He Has Lost
#1- GO BACK TO WORK IN THE SENATE
Lo and Behold! Yeah, that’s right. Bernie actually already has a job in Government, in a place we like to call the United States “Senate.” This is a very prestigious position that not only affords him many luxuries, like 3 homes, it also provided a bit of cachet for his wife Jane when she was working as a College Administrator/President. It gives him access to a host of opportunities to sashay around the town at the swankiest high dollar fundraisers Martha’s Vineyard has to offer, and I’m pretty sure the Lobster Sliders are on the house for Milady Jane. Bernie is no stranger to the Donors, he’s been on the circuit many times over the years, so he is safe as can be with his old-monied amigos. While many see the Senate as the springboard to the “big enchilada”, aka, The Presidency, our Millionaire Marxist is just a small fish in a great big lake house, so he got gobbled up by the former Vice President, Mr. Joe Biden. Bernie may have failed to launch, but he always has work to do in the Senate where he missed the last two EXTREMELY IMPORTANT votes. Vermonters seem to be cooling on the Senator, he barely got over 50% in his own state for the 2020 Primary, but if he hurries back to work, he may be able to cling to a victory and keep his seat in 2024.
#2- Retire to His Dacha, oh, I mean His Lake House
One SUPER popular idea is for Bernie to remove himself from the game entirely by retiring to spend more time with his grand-babies, I like this one most. Grandpas love their grand-kids, and those too cute tots love their Grandpas right back! What better way to satisfy the familial stirrings in a young child’s heart than to give them all the Werther’s Originals and fishing trips with Gramps they can stand? Nobody can do your Granddadding for you, and we have already seen many photos of La Jane Grandmomming it up a storm, so maybe it’s the right time to pack it on in and take those Chillins to the “Summer Camp” you paid all that hard earned cash for? Summer homes don’t live in themselves, and at your age, let’s face it, you want to start getting your use out of the place if you don’t want to leave this mortal coil feeling like you didn’t get your money’s worth. You can call your friends, the ones still alive, and let them know, “Mi Dacha es Su Dacha!” and have some Sassy Senior Shenanigans that Vermont will never forget!!
#3- Learn to Knit Chairs and Have Yourself a Goddamn Seat
This one is special! Even the most sedate Senior is feeling a bit anxious in these times of quarantine, you can spend the time you have set aside for recreation learning a new and enjoyable skill. Rather than risk the Corona virus ridden crowds, you can head on over to your favorite online retailer and order up some yarn, books on how to knit, some jazzy patterns, and teach yourself how to knit. You may not be able to quite knit a seat, but you sure can shut the hell up while you’re in learning mode! Maybe you can knit a nice blanket to cover your favorite chair, and then have yourself a goddamn seat, Senator, and do it in silence! YAY!
By the way….
Did you know that there are Boomers, GenXers, Millennials, and whoever the hell it is that comes next, my bad, who are entirely tired of you stepping all up in the mix and now demand that you have yourself a million fucking seats? Well, now you know, maybe you need to check your spam filters and Twitter mentions? Cool.
#4- Convert a Home Into a Testing Center/Philanthropy
Heyo! What’s a “Man of the People” worth (besides millions) if he’s not willing to sacrifice a little of his own riches for the “little people”, eh Senator? That’s right, there is an altruistic solution to your whole “I lost the 2020 Primary and I Won’t Stop Running for President” problem: You can give back to the people who helped you make it this far. Consider converting one of your many homes into a Pop-up testing center for people who may be infected with the Corona Virus! After all, what type of true Marxist would even own three homes when so many lack even one home to call their own? Don’t wait for the Proletariat, or even worse, the LUMPEN-PROLETARIAT to relieve you of your property during the Working Class Revolution, give it away to charity now, what do you have to lose? Just a home. But think of all the new friends you’ll make while handing out testing swabs, okay? Totally Worth It.
#5- Learn All About Model Trains!!!
What the fuck are model trains? We don’t have a clue, but we are sure you do. See, millennials like myself, and younger folks, grew up with things like “Electricity” and “Cell phones” also “Video Games” in our Toys R Us catalog, so we aren’t your average purveyors of model trains and sets of marbles. In addition, we never knew how the fuck you were supposed to play with “balls and jacks”, so it’s your turn to teach us some Luddite shit. Sure, we could go learn how to use a phonograph, or whatever the hell he said, from Biden, but he’s still learning how to Vlog this week, and it would be a shame to knock him off track. Your move, Senator.
#6- Yell at Clouds or Kids You Don’t Know
Don’t be outdone by Grandpa Simpson, that won’t do!! YOU’RE the yelly-est Grandpa in New England. Show these fake mad Gramp-cucks how it’s really done. Right now, nothing matters more than maintaining a polite social distance from everyone you don’t live with, and even some you do. What will keep people at a safe distance better than having a geriatric curmudgeon like yourself huff up and belt out an insult laced warning? Nothing. It’s a total mood kill.
Say you see some teens when you’re walking in the woods behind your house-cum-testing site while knitting yourself a blanket for your model train platform, and you happen to witness said teens engaging in some social closeness? Well, this is your time to shine, Senator Sanders! You take the deepest breath you can and you ROAR!! Let them know not to “Stand over there!!” like you told Jane, before launching into a diatribe about how you’ve said “no Corona sex back here FIFTY TIMES!!! This is the fifty first.” and you’ll have those former Burlington College Students out of your patch of land quicker than shit. You can literally keep this up FOREVER.
#7- Become a Full Time Vlogger!!
Not everyone can be an Instant Success at Vlogging, but you can, Senator. Fire up the old Mac and set up shop in your studio, and you can Vlog every single day! You already have millions of dedicated followers who will ensure you get “paid baby paid!” through monetized accounts that we are sure Lady Jane can help you set up. Why give all that access to your incredible talents away for free? It’s not everyone who has a speech from 1976 memorized and ready to go at a moment’s notice, most YouTube stars weren’t even born then, so you are already way ahead of the game. Those guys from Pod Save America won’t even see it coming when you overtake them in the “Dismissing Black Women Candidates Because of Your Obvious Misogynoir” department, and you’ll crush them to dust in the “Tokenizing Black Women For Political Gain” department too. Your White Male success is virtually guaranteed, so give this option all due consideration.
#8- Sew Some Goddamned Masks!
Uh oh!! We are running out of fucking masks! With the time saved from no longer having to look up old photos of Bruce Rappaport marching with MLK to slap your name on, you and your followers can spend some of those $27s on sewing machines and materials to make masks for the medical community. Our Nurses, Doctors, and other front-line medical professionals are all we have standing between us, and certain death for many of us, especially those with compromised immune systems, so we need you to be proactive. Rather than secretly imploring your adoring fans to report me on Social Media (it’s a joke, fuck off), maybe you can openly beg them to spend the next week or so patriotically performing a needed task, and help save lives. I’m dead ass serious, do this no matter which option you choose. Get your Revolution to make masks. Now. Please.
#9- Become a Driving Instructor
Oh ho ho! We saw you. We didn’t know you were such patient and careful driver. Guess what? That’s just what our kids need!! Stock your black leather fanny-pack with Red Vines and Peppermints, and head on down to your local driving school. You’ll arrive with carefully edited footage of you performing all necessary driver’s safety tasks that the next batch of youth will sorely need to see. After all, we remember that you made your share of films in your day, Senator, one about Eugene Debs comes to mind, so we know you know your way around a script and a camera.
Have Jane and the Gang help you set up cones in an empty lot near the home or business of a local oligarch, just to ensure you won’t feel a smidge of guilt when you hit something, and get your butt in gear. Show off your three point turn, your parallel parking, and even show them how to back that thang up, baby!
An entire generation is ready to hit the road, who better to teach them how to yell at the “asshole who can’t fucking drive” than you? You were MADE for this.
#10- Babysitter for Struggling Families
Kids. They always need someone to watch them, but their parents can’t always afford to pay anybody. Que lastima! But, don’t you worry! Their day can still be saved by “Magic Grandpa and Lady Jane!” You can offer your services taking care of the kinder who test negative for Corona while their parents test positive. I’m not saying this is happening, not yet. But why let such a situation sneak up on you? It’s beneficial when you can get to know your future voters before they’ve had time to become stained by Capitalism. Nothing wrong with using a bit of Marxist Propaganda to start your own literacy program at your Dacha, just like the Castro program you so admired. While you’re communing with the caucus-goers of the future, you can steep them in all the Commie bullshit Fidel shoved down the throats of the kiddies of Cuba. Sure, their parents won’t be happy and indoctrination is fucked up, but you chose this hill to die on already with your continued defense of Castro’s literacy program, and refusal to listen to people who were actually fucking there. No shit, Senator, every shitty regime has SOME good things they’ve done, but you were running for President, and it totally killed your chances in Florida. And basically ended your campaign.
We have done the hard part, Senator Sanders, now it’s time to do your part. Suspend your campaign of continued complaint and set my people free. You had a great run, it lasted longer than so many of the other candidates, but you’re way the fuck behind and polling like shit in the remaining states. It’s time for us to hand you your hat and coat, it’s time for you to move on and let it go, so we can fucking beat Trump.