Wisconsin Votes, Rand Paul Recovers, Tigers Can Catch Corona, and JOE BIDEN WON’T BECOME BERNIE SANDERS, WAH!
Since we never know what the hell is going on in the world, I decided maybe we need a news round up to tell us wtf happened overnight, but don’t get excited, nothing good ever happens.
Wisconsin heads to the polls today, and it’s all bad. Governor Evers ordered the primary moved to June due to Corona Virus, yet the Conservative Wisconsin Supreme court voted to strike down the order given by the Governor. Not to be outdone, Kavanaugh and the Conservative majority on the US Supreme Court struck down extended absentee voting in the state, so voters are out of luck and will have to brave the Covid-19 virus in order to participate in our Democracy. Even worse, it appears that only 4 polling places are open in Milwaukee and the lines are already long. So, wear masks and cover up if you are a Wisconsin voter, and wash those hands before you touch anything even if you wear gloves. Ya never know what might happen, so better safe than sorry.
White House Press Secretary Stephanie Grisham is leaving her job, and no, she has never once held a press briefing. Grisham was employed by Melania Trump’s office before being promoted to WH Press Secretary and will be returning to her job, so, at least she won’t be in the unemployment line with millions of others. Mark Meadows has taken over and hired Kayleigh McEnany, who used to be on CNN all the time.
CNN reported that Grisham is returning to the East Wing where she will serve as First Lady Melania Trump’s spokesperson and chief of staff.
According to the report, White House Chief of Staff Mark Meadows is considering Trump campaign spokesperson Kayleigh McEnany to replace Grisham.
If you don’t know who McEnany is I have a clip that should remind you of how terribly weird and awkward she can be.
“You can scoot until you fall off that ledge!!!”
Oh my God, she is such a weirdo, no lie.
John Lewis has endorsed Joe Biden for President, and I’m hoping the Berniebro Nation is able to control themselves this time.
Last cycle Superdelegates were still in play, so each time a big endorsement came down it fueled Berner conspiracy theories about the DNC, The Establishment, and Hillary Clinton. Nowadays, without the Supers, big endorsements fuel conspiracy theories about the DNC, The Establishment, and Joe Biden. Since we’ve gone rounds over John Lewis all over the web before, it would be nice if we didn’t end up watching the toxic Catshitfire that people call a Revolution spew racist garbage at a Living Legend. I’ll keep you updated on this, I have my eyes open and I’m ready to call out the worst of the worst. Speaking of the worst of things, a Coughing Tiger at the Bronx Zoo has tested positive for the Corona Virus likely due to an asymptomatic attendant or zookeeper. This is not the first animal to contract the virus during this pandemic and it shows how dangerous it is, and how easily it is spread.
The tiger’s positive diagnosis follows scattered reports around the world of other animals contracting the virus, raising concerns among pet owners about whether their animals could be at risk. Officials in Hong Kong have discovered covid-19 in at least one cat and two dogs quarantined with their infected owners, while a cat in Belgium showed some signs consistent with the virus after its owner returned from Italy and later tested positive.
See that? Even cats and dogs can get it, so make sure you wash your hands before you care for your pets, don’t be a dumbass.
Black People are at higher risk for Corona Virus, says the Surgeon General. Black People figured that out about 3 weeks ago, but, hey, good lookin’ out, you at least tried. The death toll for Corona has exceeded the death toll from 9-11, a milestone nobody wanted to reach; it’s really a shame that we don’t have an adult human President, because the Federal response is absolute chaos. Cuomo and other Governors have found themselves having to work around Donald Trump in order to help their constituents, but at least he sent the Navy Ships, I guess. On that note, a crew member of the Navy ship Comfort has also tested positive for Corona, but luckily, they say it will not affect their ability to take in patients. The Comfort is parked where ailing New Yorkers can be taken in easily when forced to search for an alternative hospital facility, due to over-crowding at local hospitals; another ship named the Mercy is parked in LA Harbor ready to take in Los Angelinos if things get too bad there. Last thing on Corona; Demi Moore and her ex-husband Bruce Willis are self isolating together, says their daughter, no, I don’t remember which one, I just threw it in because it shows how weird this pandemic is making people act. Oh, I lied, one more thing…. Rand Paul has officially recovered from the Corona Virus, and is volunteering at the hospital; I guess kids can always use an extra clown to cheer them up, so I’m sure he will be kept busy making balloon animals and joking about lawn disputes.
Last thing; David Klion is extra hysterical this morning and boy is he pissing in his own Cheerios. Still bitter from the impending loss of Bernie Sanders to Joe Biden, he has a salty ass piece in Daily Beast where he cries like a little titty baby and works himself into a lather over The Future. Many of us are pretty sure we’re all going to die anyway, because Trump is literally trying to kill us with his dismal response to this health crisis, so, we find David to be a never ending source of amusement.
Here is the title…
By Picking Joe Biden, Democrats Are Kissing Their Future Goodbye
Oh, such a murderous title, I bet that really hit ya in the feels, huh?
Yes, there will be absolutely NO FUCKING FUTURE for the entire Democratic Party because merkin faced poo poo head David is seriously serious about how screwed we are unless Joe Biden becomes Bernie Sanders. AND HE MEANS IT!. For real! He means it! Grrrr! Are you scared, did he scare you? No? Me neither.
He wrote this in the Daily Beast today:
Now history is repeating itself, as Marx warned, as farce, with Bernie Sanders decisively winning the argument over the party’s future while meeting unshakeable resistance from a Democratic establishment composed largely of politicians who were shaped by 1968.
Oh give me a fucking break, dude, if you said this on TV you could get a Daytime Emmy AT LEAST, just for the melodramatic title. Bernie won what argument? Oh, here we go with this shit. If Bernie had won any argument, he would be in the LEAD and not LOSING. One thing I always enjoy is the idea these folks have that Bernie is somehow timeless and immortal, always winning the “real” battle, while also being the wokest of the woke. Just like Marx. Who was pretty fucking racist. What is it with the leftist set and their love for old ass men who never accomplished much? That’s rhetorical. Don’t bother getting your beautiful mind worked up, because he said some more stupid shit.
Here is the choice bit:
If Democrats are serious about exciting their entire base in November to defeat Trump, there are still steps they can take to win over the Sanders coalition.
Win over the people who promise we will never win them over? Yippee! Who doesn’t want to kiss their asses, eat a thousand shit sandwiches, and have them still not show up again?? Yeah, no. Contrary to popular Berner belief; they are not base voters. It is actually harder to get them into the polls for Dems this cycle than it is to get never Trump Republicans and Independents. Once you hold the party hostage to your demand a few times and we LOSE, you kinda lose your place among the base.
Sanders should (and, one expects, will) be given a prominent speaking role at the virtual convention; his allies like Reps. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez and Rashida Tlaib should be as well.
Why? Hasn’t he given that same ass speech a million times? I don’t actually want to hear from Tlaib or Bernie at the fuck all. It would be nice to have a moment where the winner was celebrated and maybe not have a bunch of Progressives there who love to lead the audience in boos when someone they don’t like is mentioned. Also, they cry too much. Also, they put tape over their mouths and look stupid and pathetic and I’m really annoyed with the whole set this week. Tlaib, no. Don’t wanna hear her speak. Nope.
Biden should make explicit in his own remarks that he understands and empathizes with younger voters’ legitimate anger.
“Hi. Thousands of people are dying, but we want you to make us feel special and give us the attention we crave; oh yeah, tell us our white male anger is okay and legitimize it, or else we won’t vote for Biden over Trump. We’re not really going to show up, but we want to see you break your necks to get us to the polls.” This is what I read.
But endorsements and speeches won’t be enough. Biden must also embrace the substantive aspects of Sanders’ platform—including Medicare For All, which exit polls across the country show clear support for, as well as the Green New Deal and tuition-free college—that have galvanized millennials. Everything about the virtual convention could be designed to showcase this agenda.
Oh, this makes perfect sense. Biden should put on his Bernie Sanders costume and run on Bernie’s policies that Bernie lost twice with; once again, or else they won’t show up. Also, we MUST showcase BERNIE’S agenda by pretty much building the entire convention around HIS policies that Biden MUST run on, and then we can pretend Sander’s fans won’t just say Biden is disingenuous, and “doesn’t really mean it” like they did to Hillary. How droll. Biden already has his own fucking policies, and I can see David hasn’t bothered to even google Biden’s website. I get that David and the gang really believe everyone was super in love with Bernie’s platform, yet that is actually not the case at all. If voters really wanted Bernie’s wishlist and thought it was feasible, wouldn’t we be voting for Bernie? Biden has already reached out and included a policy from Liz Warren and a policy from Bernie Sanders; there is very little chance Biden will suddenly switch out ALL of his policies for Bernie’s any time soon. David is going to have to deal with the fact that Bernie lost, and no amount of dressing him up in Bernie’s wrinkled, ill fitting, Socialist suits will transmogrify Joe into Bernie. THANK YOU BLACK JESUS. But, at least he has realized that Biden will be the nominee. Let’s just hope he tells his friends on Twitter, so they stop making shit up about Joe in hopes Bernie will become the default nominee if they can force something to stick.